Premama Prenatal Vitamin Drink Mix Review

 
I was given the opportunity to host a Premama Mommy Party and, since my MOPS table this year is full of moms who are nursing or pregnant, I was excited to share this product with friends.  The long winter days here are making us all a little stir crazy, so this was the perfect excuse for a play date.  I set up the table with some healthy and easy snack foods including carrots with homemade hummus and apple and orange slices.  One of my friends brought some fresh strawberries and granola bars too.  Since the Premama mixes are best mixed with juice, I made some Kool Aid for all of us to drink with our snacks.  My daughter, of course, picked out the pink lemonade and, since we don't often have juice, the kids were excited to have a special treat. 

I've always had a hard time with prenatal vitamins making me sick.  When I was pregnant with Valerie, I just used Flintstone vitamins, because all the prenatal vitamins I tried would make me throw up.  When I was pregnant with Almanzo, a friend told me about New Chapter Perfect Prenatal vitamins.  Because they are made with whole food cultures, it was easier on my stomach.  The only other prenatal vitamins I've been able to handle are those in drink mix form, so I was excited to try Premama Prenatal Vitamin Drink Mixes.

I made the mistake of trying Premama in a plain glass of water the first time and it simply tasted like I was chewing on an actual vitamin.  Gross!  But, the moment I added it to my glass of Kool Aid, I had no idea there was even a vitamin mixed in with it.  My son even snuck a sip of it and didn't know the difference.  My friends also mentioned their own struggles with prenatal vitamins and were just as happy with the Premama drink mix.  Mommy Parties generously sent me enough boxes of Premama to send them each home with their own month supply.

Premama can be added to any juice, milk, or cold beverage, including smoothies.  I'm excited to try it with smoothies, because we love making smoothies in the summer for afternoon snacks.  Smoothies are a great energy boost when we're spending lots of time outdoors in the summer and we enjoy experimenting with different flavors.  I love that I can simply pour a Premama drink mix pouch into my smoothie and get my vitamins for the day at the same time.  I also love that they are gluten free, since I have a gluten sensitivity.  It's an easy to remember option for this busy mom and a great option for any mom looking for an easier to digest prenatal vitamin.  

You can find out more about Premama Prenatal Vitamin Drink Mix on their website and on Facebook.  They often share delicious smoothie and drink mix recipes on their Facebook page including a Cherry-Almond Smoothie and Kisses Chocolate Mousse.  You can find more recipes on their Pinterest page too.  Mommy Parties provided me with free supplies to host my own Premama Party in exchange for my honest review.

 

Just Write: Waiting

 

"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice;

blessed are all those who wait for him."

Isaiah 30:18

Today, I am just two days away from my due date.  To say I'm ready would be an understatement.  I'm so anxious and feeling rather miserable.  This little one sure is keeping us guessing...and momma exhausted.  

God sure does have a sense of humor.  We've prayed and asked so many others to join us in praying that this little one would not arrive early, but that his lungs would be ready to breathe in this world on his birth day.  The past month, I've had contractions off and on and even spent a few times in labor and delivery nearly in active labor...only to have labor stall completely.

And now, just two days away from his due date, it's almost like God is laughing that his answer to our prayers was way more than we expected.  I never expected to carry this little one so far, much less to consider the possibility of being induced.

I feel so relieved knowing he won't be premature, but there's still a part of me that is afraid.  My daughter was two weeks overdue...and very, very sick.  She had swallowed a ton of meconium and my placenta was infected from being so overdue.  It was a long and very difficult labor...but the days that followed were some of the scariest and most trying days of my life.

I know that God already has this little one's story written...but the waiting and the unknown are threatening to consume me.  I'm not good at waiting, especially when I feel miserable physically.  And the "what ifs" are a big part of my struggles with anxiety.

Change is also something I struggle with...and having a newborn again will be a huge change for us.  Our routine will be thrown off and we will have to learn a new "normal" for our family as we get used to being a family of five.

Don't get me wrong.  I am completely in love with this little one already and so thankful God has chosen to bless us again.  He is very much an answer to our prayers.

It's just a battle I face day in and day out...this choosing to rest in His promises instead of allowing the "what ifs" to control my day.

And it's why I know, without a doubt, that I cannot do life without Him.  I desperately need His abounding grace and His peace that surpasses understanding. 

So, today, as we anticipate this littlest one's arrival, I'm going to choose to rest in Him, to wait upon the Lord, because He's already got this one...and He will not leave us or forsake us, no matter what. 

Linking up with Heather for this week's Just Write.

 

All About Grace

 
My fingers are itching to write, but my brain is just a big jumbled mess lately. I'm officially full term with this pregnancy (37 1/2 weeks as of today) and baby has been teasing me with contractions off and on for the past two weeks. I've just kind of hit that uncomfortable waddling stage of pregnancy where even walking across the room is not so fun anymore. It's basically a waiting game now and, well, I'm not very good at waiting.

Every night, the kids read from "God-book" with daddy and take turns praying for whatever is on their little hearts.  My daughter asks every day for her littlest brother to come really soon because she is just as anxious to meet him.  And, of course, she prays for him to be safe and healthy, a prayer that has been on all our hearts since the moment we found out he was being fearfully and wonderfully created in my womb.

At my 36 week appointment, my doctor confirmed that I am already dilating and my body is basically getting ready for labor day.  I struggled with fear and anxiety that day, as I thought about my second born's arrival at 37 1/2 weeks.  He was considered full term, but his little lungs just weren't quite ready to breathe in this world.  And those memories threatened to consume me with fear again as I thought about all the "what ifs". 

I immediately fell to my knees, praying through my tears for God to cover me with His peace and remind me that He has already written this littlest one's story.  And then, I asked for prayer and listened to God speak to me through the prayers and encouragement of so many family and friends.  My husband and I prayed together that night, as contractions came and went, and I was overwhelmed with the presence of an almighty God who already knows all our tomorrows and promises peace and rest to those who simply come to Him, no matter how broken or weary we are.

And that, my friends, is how He continues to give me victory over anxiety.  He never promised an easy life, but He does promise grace, love, peace, and a power that comes from the One who spoke into the darkness and created life. 

I told my mom yesterday about how God continues to use my story to reach other women with hope.   As I told her how a friend reached out to me for a loved one who was struggling with postpartum depression and how I was able to encourage this sweet mom to get the help she so desperately needed, she said, "That is called redemption, Steph".  Because, God is using my mess for something much bigger than I could ever have imagined. 

I don't share my story here for some kind of affirmation, because I already know Whose I am.  Being vulnerable in this space is scary and uncomfortable, but there's a bigger story here that I know He wants me to keep telling.  It's all about grace.  Really.  The only hope I have is the hope that comes in knowing a Savior who already paid it all and whose grace is more than sufficient for all my needs.  My story is really His story, because every victory, every success, every good thing comes from the One who has already given me more than I deserve.

"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful and sure."

(Isaiah 25:1)

Don't forget to check out my Shutterfly Review & Giveaway and enter to win an 8x8, 20 page photo book (plus shipping!). 

 

Bigger Picture Moments: Already Loved

I collapse onto the same wrinkled sheets and crumpled blankets of a bed unmade for yet another day. 

"I can tell when you're ready to have a baby, because I roll over in bed when you lay down," my husband teases me with a grin. 

I grumble that my back is aching, my feet feel like dead weights, and the muscles in my stomach are busy working out again as they prepare for labor day. 

He curls up next to me, kisses my cheek, and rubs the sore spots in my back. 

"How's our baby doing?" he asks as he places his hand on my ever expanding belly. 

And with one swift kick, our littlest peanut says hello to his daddy and begins his nightly dance in the cozy cocoon he is quickly outgrowing. 

"I'm getting excited to meet him," whispers the man I love who so beautifully embraces his role as daddy. 

As we continue watching the dance of the baby belly, we talk about our hopes and dreams for this little one and how much we already love him. 

My heart swells with every little movement, reminding me that, though he is not here in our arms yet, he is already very much a part of our home. 

His brother and sister speak his name often within the walls of our home while they play pretend, sing songs, or simply glance over at my growing belly.  

We pray for him in the morning, before every meal, during bedtime devotions, and any other time our hands our folded in communion with our God. 

We talk to him, read to him, and sing to him, including him in every moment of our day. 

His sister walks over to me often, rests her hand on my belly, and whispers hello to her littlest brother. 

His brother crawls up on my lap, places his arms around my belly, and kisses the place he knows safely holds his little brother. 

Little onesies, sleepers, booties, and hats are already carefully washed, folded, and waiting for his arrival. 

Soon enough, little one, you will be here and we will wonder what our lives were ever like without you. 

As we continue to wait and count down the days, we will continue preparing our hearts and homes for you, dear one.

You are already so loved, precious one. 

Linking up with Melissa for this week's Bigger Picture Moments.

 

The "Un" Birth Plan

 Photo via Instagram

As the arrival of our littlest peanut looms closer and closer, I've found myself flooded with memories of the births of our first born and second born.  It's so easy for me to start thinking and simmering and stewing over the what ifs, because I know how quickly my expectations can be crushed. 

My husband and I have talked long and often about setting realistic expectations and preparing for the "what ifs" as much as possible while still trusting in God's perfect and sovereign plan for this little one. 

During my first pregnancy, I dreamed of having an all natural birth experience with minimal hospital interventions.  I imagined my daughter's birth being a beautiful and surreal experience.  I expected to labor on my own at home as long as possible before finally making our way to the hospital (which is, conveniently, only a few blocks away from our home).

Then, I would use breathing techniques and try various laboring positions to work through the contractions with the help of my husband and mom until it was time to start pushing.  I knew first babies often took longer, but I had no idea it would take as long and be as hard as it was. 

Obviously, my "plans" didn't go as expected and the entire birth experience of my firstborn is still something I struggle with accepting today.  I spent a lot of time brushing away the nagging thoughts of grief over what could have, should have been different and feeling like a complete and total failure despite how often those closest to me reminded me that I wasn't. 

Friends would sit with wide eyes as I told my story and then I would simply laugh it off as no big deal because at least my baby was healthy and safe in my arms now.  But still, I so desperately wanted and needed to grieve. 

I told myself over and over that our son's birth would be different and better.  It couldn't possibly be worse, right?  I expected it to be shorter and easier and looked forward to a more "normal" hospital stay with a healthy newborn baby in my arms right away. 

I still remember the moment the pediatrician walked into our room after a long and difficult labor to tell us our son's lungs were working too hard and they were in the process of transferring him to the NICU, the same hospital where our daughter spent her first two weeks of life.  My "plans" suddenly fell to pieces...and so did I. 

So, now, how do I prepare myself for our third baby's arrival without setting myself up for disappointment?  How do I "plan" what I want out of the whole experience when I really don't know what to expect at all? 

I've thought about writing out a birth plan, but it seems so silly when all I really know is that this baby is going to have to come out one way or another.  I would love to have the natural, intervention free birth I first dreamed of, but I know my body and I just don't think I can do it. 

Despite the differences of my first two deliveries, one thing was the same - I couldn't progress past 5 cm until I got that epidural.  My husband teases me that I should ask for the epidural the moment we walk into the birthing room, but what if I really can do it on my own this time?  And what if I can't?  Will I feel like a failure again if I ask for an epidural? 

My friend, Laura, wrote this blog post the other day about a birth she attended as she trains to become a certified doula.  As I read her words and this mother's story, it reminded me so much of my own stories.  And then, she wrote these words:

...a woman who is taught to idolize natural childbirth is actually setup for grief if she needs medical intervention. So to truly EMPOWER mothers, you have to learn to celebrate.

CELEBRATE what your body is capable of doing.
CELEBRATE what you have available to help your body.
CELEBRATE the journey of pregnancy, labor, delivery, and motherhood.
CELEBRATE it for what it IS, not what you WISH it was.
CELEBRATE every stage, every success, every difficulty, every outcome.

And it was like she was writing my heart into words, the words I've been trying to find for over four years now.  I wanted to reach through the screen and hug her, because never before had anyone put into words so clearly and beautifully exactly what I needed to prepare for this third birth experience. 

(Imagine my surprise and delight when we actually did see each other in person just a few days later - you better believe there was a lot of hugging going on!  I believe her words were, "you're probably my best friend in Wisconsin!" Isn't it simply amazing how God brings us just the people we need exactly when we need them?) 

So, instead of writing out a birth plan or, really, instead of planning for what I want it to be or even what it could be, I'm going to celebrate every step of the way, no matter what comes my way.  I think a big part of what Laura got here is that only God really knows what will happen and that the best way to prepare is to trust Him with my future. 

And then, when all is said and done, I'm going to celebrate it for what it was - a baby fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator God and a birth fearfully and wonderfully planned by a sovereign and holy and good God.

 

Joy Dare: He Knows ME

Photo credit: wili_hybrid

This morning, I read these words of Truth:

 "O LORD, you have searched me and known me! 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar."  

(Psalm 139:1-2)

I was struck by this reminder that He not only created me and numbered my days, but that He also knows and cares about the little details of my life from my coming to my going, my sitting to my rising.

And, even more so, He knows my thoughts while they are still out of reach for me.  Matthew Henry puts it so beautifully when he explains, "Though my thoughts be ever so foreign and distant from one another, thou understandest the chain of them, and can make out their connexion, when so many of them slip my notice that I myself cannot". 

A few weeks ago, a friend shared this verse with me, "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" (Psalm 56:8)

Today, as I continue to count His gifts, I am most thankful that I serve a Father who understands me more than anyone else on earth ever could.

***

127. News from the radiologist that my sweet friend, Kim, will not have to deliver her baby early. 


128. This truth: that though circumstances and trials be out of our control, it is always Him who goes before you. So, let your heart take courage and wait for the Lord, who is great and awesome and faithful. (Deuteronomy 31:6)


129. A mom who takes time out of her busy schedule to help me clean and ready our house for selling. 


130. A very, very clean house and a for sale sign as we look to the future.


131. My beautiful pregnant sister and the sweet baby girl growing healthy and strong in her womb.


132. A husband who reminds me that beauty is more than my outward appearance and who daily affirms that I am beautiful. 


133. The privilege and joy of raising the next generation and being more than just a mom to these little ones. 


134. This fallen world is not my home; I await the joyful hope of my citizenship in heaven and the transforming of this dying body into its glorious heavenly form. (Philippians 3:20-21)


135. I am not perfect, but I am enough. 


136. Sweet fellowship with friends who speak truth in love and words that are sweeter than honey...and that we were made for community, to encourage and build each other up.


137. Conversations between my little ones and watching a lifetime of friendship unfold. 


138. A gluten free cookie recipe that my husband, who enjoys a good gluten-filled dessert, calls "pretty good, babe". 


139. The blessing of MOPS and the group of women who have welcomed me with open arms and caring hearts. 


140. Doctors and nurses who care for our daughter's wound, stitches that heal, and a brave little girl who says after all she's endured, "I feel better now, mommy!".  


141. Shifting the focus from "two-piece swimsuits and skinny jeans to healthy heart, healthy body mass and healthy thoughts". 


142. This truth reminder for my tender, aching heart: "I’m loved, I really can do this. I’m chosen for a purpose."


143. Teaching my little ones to take care of our home and hearing them say, "I help you, mommy!" with joy and anticipation.


144. Laughter and sweet fellowship on a much needed mom's night out. 


145. His love that never fails, never gives up, and never runs out on me.


146. Cleaning and getting rid of more stuff - so freeing!


147. Knowing that my labor in the Lord is not in vain and that it is more than worth it to persevere and remain steadfast in my walk.  (1 Corinthians 15:58)


148. Celebrating nurses week by remembering the amazing NICU nurses who cared for our little ones so tenderly and compassionately. 


149. This beautiful love story and the reminder that love is a daily choice we make to put the needs of our loved one before our own. 


150. The tot spot at our local grocery store and kids who are excited to play while mommy grocery shops alone.


151. The Word of God that always proves true against all the lies the world throws my way.  (Psalm 18:30-32)


152. A much needed social media break and the time spent soaking up His truths and gaining a clearer perspective. 


153. "That motherhood is both the hardest and most magnificent thing you will ever do." 


154. Sharing the love of babywearing with other expectant mommas and learning more to better equip me for babywearing our littlest one. 


155. These mother's day words of love from my sisters: "Happy mothers day to the best mommy of THREE!" and "Happy mothers day :) you have some pretty lucky kids!".


156. A day "off" from mothering to enjoy a Brewers/Cubs game with my sisters, brothers, and cousins. 


157. Coming home to hand picked wildflowers and handmade cards from my little blessings and love from the three people who make my life more complete. 


158. A hubby who blessed me with the day off and is my biggest cheerleader on the hard mothering days. So thankful to have him by my side to journey this road of parenting together. It's a crazy, challenging life, but it is SO worth it.


159. Missing my sweet grandma on Mother's Day, but remembering the beautiful legacy she left and the family who carries pieces of her into the future.  


160. I am not perfect, but I press on to the perfection He promises in heaven because He has made me His own. (Philippians 3:12)


161. Being held safe and secure in the arms of the One who only allows what will build me up and mold me into the woman He desires me to be, not for my glory, but for His.  


162. Friends who remind me of His truth spoken in love and who join me in faithful prayer.


163. I will not shrink back and be destroyed when trials and struggles overwhelm, because I have a greater hope and nothing can separate me from His love.  


164. Finally feeling well enough to begin exercising again and discovering a new exercise routine that works for this pregnant momma.  


165. Connecting with a group of men and women who understand my gluten intolerance and the wealth of knowledge and resources gleaned from the local support group meeting.  


166. Discovering a $10 bill while cleaning out our bedroom closet.


167. Feeling more frequent and definite kicks from this littlest one in my womb - the coolest feeling ever.  


168. Though trials and tribulation may about in this world, I can take heart because HE has overcome the world (John 16:33)


169. Overhearing my daughter tenderly care for her brother, "Aw, yeddo, you got hurt. Wanna sleep on the couch...and I tuck you in?" Sometimes, as much as mommy wants to run and comfort even the little bumps and bruises, it's so precious to watch these two comfort each other.


170. "There's something so powerful about the friendships you can touch and see and feel." (Holley Gerth) So, so thankful for the friends God has placed in my life to dance with me in the moments of joy and cry with me in the moments of pain. ""When we're with people in the skin...it can really add richness to our lives." (Bonnie Gray)


171. When God reaches me with His word right where I am. I needed this today. Contentment does not come from wealth, success, health, or possessions, but from the feet of Christ, in wholly depending on Him, for when I am weak, He is strong and His grace is always sufficient. (Philippians 4:11-13)


172. Saying goodbye to sweet friends, but knowing that God has great plans in store for them and that they are obediently following Him exactly where He would have them be.


173. Cheering on our favorite mountain biker despite a rainy, muddy race day.


174. This quote from Matthew Henry's commentary about the importance of prayer and calling to God in our distress: "a good man is made up of prayer and gives himself to prayer".


175. That God, ultimately, overrules human sin and the effects of it. Not that He is the author of sin, but that He is in control of the events and directs the chain effects of human sin, not to make sin less punishable, but to further elevate His name to the praise and glory of the One who is over all.


176. Sunshine, bike rides, playgrounds, and picnics enjoyed with two sweet little ones and the steady pitter patter of the littlest one in my womb.


177. A 20 week ultrasound that revealed a healthy and ever growing baby BOY.


178. Waking up to a little monkey in my belly pitter-pattering away and another little monkey crawling all over our bed giggling. I couldn't help but smile - I'll take early mornings just to wake up to this happiness.


179. Date night with my love by his suggestion and parents who are more than happy to spend time with their grandkids.


180. A day at the beach chasing the waves and building sand castles with my loves.


181. Freedom, both in this land of the free and home of the brave (and for the men and women who sacrifice daily to keep it so) and in the redemption of my soul and the hope of eternal life in heaven.


182. Hearing our little ones memorize His words and encouraging their hearts to follow after Him.


183.  Long afternoon naps.


184. Grocery shopping in the early morning before my hubby leaves for work - so quiet and peaceful.


185. Beautiful maternity photos taken by a sweet friend.


186. The many rich and beautiful marriages that have encouraged and blessed my husband and I in our own marriages.


187. Singing hymns with my kids and hearing them say, "again, mommy! sing God song again!". 


188. The privilege to vote and have my voice heard. 


189. Celebrating 20 years since my baby brother joined our family and made it complete.


190. Overheard from my daughter, "And I love mommy too. Cuz I do!" And then my heart melted.


191. Baby shower festivities, the blessing of family, and the anticipation of our precious niece.

 

 

Just Write: To the Mommy of a Newborn

As the days, weeks, months count down to that day when we meet this littlest one face to face, I can't stop thinking about that day I first began this journey of motherhood.

Though it was a beginning I hadn't quite expected, I'll never forget holding her in my arms the first time whispering words of love bursting from this new mother's heart of mine and seeing her sweet little face stare at me as if to say, "yes, you're my mommy".

The day we finally left the NICU and drove home with our newborn baby girl, my heart was full.  I couldn't take my eyes off her.  She was really and truly ours.

But I'll also never forget how exhausting, overwhelming, and just plain hard those first few weeks were.  I have always longed to be a momma, but I never realized how all consuming it would be...and how much I would have to give of myself for the sake of this tiny, helpless babe.

No matter how much preparation I made for this little one, I was wholly unprepared for the realities of motherhood.  And no matter how many mommies I had observed or babysitting opportunities I had taken before, no one can really understand motherhood until you are in the thick of it.

The only thing I can do is to fall to my knees daily, filling my heart and soul with the truth of His word and submitting to the only One who can walk me down every road less traveled and give me strength for the bends and twists in the road.

I know the days ahead will not be easy, as our home expands from a family of four to a family of five and from two little ones to three.  If my hands were full before, they will be fuller soon.  But, even more so, my heart will be fuller and our home will be more complete.  

A few reminders to myself and any mommy of a newborn...

You will be sleep deprived and overwhelmed, but these days are fleeting.  All too soon this tiny, helpless babe will be an independent, always on the go toddler.  Babies don't keep...they really do grow so fast.

The dishes, the laundry, the housecleaning...it will be there tomorrow and the day after and every day for the rest of your life.  But these little ones will keep growing and before you know it, the house will be quiet and you will miss these moments.

This little one in your arms is a gift and a blessing.  Don't forget your purpose, your calling, your mission is given straight from the arms of the Creator God.  This is exactly where you belong and it is good.

When your husband walks through the door at the end of another work day, remember that he has had a long day too.  Give each other grace and remember that you are in this together.

And when he asks you what you did today amidst the piles of laundry and dishes, smile and say that you spent your day loving on your little ones and giving them your all. 

There will be days when you feel like you have no strength left, when it feels like you can't go on, but His strength is always enough and His grace is more than sufficient.

And though you make a mistake today, He is gracious enough to forgive a repentant heart and cast your sins as far as the east is from the west.  Yesterday's failures are forgotten; live for today and walk in Him.  

Bigger Picture Moments: When Life Happens

Those who know me well know I thrive on routine and schedules.  I love to plan and organize and feel prepared for what's to come.  But, the moment labor was induced with my daughter I realized life doesn't always happen as planned.

Life is filled with unexpected twists and turns, surprise delays and departures, and roads less traveled.  The more I plan, the more God reminds me that His plans are not mine.

And while His plans seem spontaneous and random, they are really more intricate and purposeful than I can comprehend.  What might look like an unexpected detour is simply a small piece of the bigger picture, His bigger picture.  

There is no such thing as a plan B, because He is never surprised by what tomorrow brings.  My plans may go awry, but His plans are never shaken.  

I plan to wake early to meditate on His truths before my little ones rub their sleepy eyes and pitter patter their way to my arms, but my own sleepy eyes won't budge or a little one crawls into our bed before the sun even rises. 

I planned to have a natural, drug-free labor and delivery, but my daughter insists on arriving sunny side up and my son insists on exhausting me with a long, exhausting labor.

I may plan to wash and fold and put away that pile of laundry, but the simply spoken word of "mommy" draw me away from my best intentions at housework.

I make plans to prepare a healthy meal from scratch before my husband's heavy feet plod through the door, but nap time lingers longer and the little one growing in my womb forces me to slow down.

Sometimes the best laid plans are the ones I don't plan at all, but the ones where I simply let life happen...or, rather, when I embrace the plans He has for me and allow Him to write my story. 

Linking up with Jade for this week's Bigger Picture Moments.

A winner has been chosen for the My Blog Spark: Cheerios Review & Giveaway - see the original post for the announcement.  

Don't forget to enter my Virtual Mercy Party: Mercy House Review & Giveaway - ends tomorrow at 1:00 pm CST!

 

Bigger Picture Moments: To Raise Up A Child

This morning, I was awake bright and early to the steady beat of two sweet little feet kicking away inside the safe cocoon of my womb.  I knew sleep would no longer find me, because in a few short hours we would be staring at a computer screen watching our littlest one make his presence known.

So, I showered and readied myself, but I knew, before I rushed off to the excitement of our busy morning, I needed to slow down and spend even a few moments in His word.  My excitement multiplied by little anxieties were giving me butterflies on top of the steady beat of those tiny feet.

And then He lead me here...

"For I have chosen him, that he may command his children and his household after him 

to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice, 

so that the LORD may bring to Abraham what he has promised him.”

(Genesis 18:19 ESV)

What a humbling and challenging reminder that this littlest one belongs to Him but that my husband and I have been called to raise each of our little ones in the way they should go.  Proverbs 22:6 says of this calling that parents are to "train up a child" so that "when he is old he will not depart from it".  To train means simply to dedicate or initiate, that through love and instruction and discipline we would show our children the right way to walk through this life.

As I read these words, I was brought to my knees, because I know I can't do this alone.  On my own, I am not equipped, not worthy, not disciplined enough in my own life to be given such a great responsibility.  My children depend on me to show them the way, to teach them and instruct them as they navigate their way through this broken and corrupt world.

The discipline of morning devotions and daily walking with Him becomes more important, because my children depend on me...and I know that I am just as much a sinner.  But, when I allow Him to continually direct my steps and search my heart to find any way in me that needs to be changed, I know that I really can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  

It also reminds me that my children are a gift.  Each one of them were fearfully and wonderfully created by the God who spoke the universe into being and counted the number of their days before they were even conceived.  They are His, but He has blessed us with them and entrusted us with their care.  As I closed my bible and let these words and convictions sink into my soul, I prayed that He would continue to give me exactly what I need to be the mom He has called me to be to each of these precious blessings.

  Linking up with Hyacynth for this week's Bigger Picture Moments.

Also, check out these two reviews/giveaways going on here right now:

Virtual Mercy Party: Mercy House Review & Giveaway

My Blog Spark: Cheerios Review & Giveaway


 

Five Minute Friday: Perspective

This morning, I had to drag myself out of bed, still exhausted from another morning-sickness-induced throwing up session last night.

Then, in the middle of my morning devotions, my 3 year old daughter yelled "mommy, yeddo* naughty!" and I groaned as I rushed to the kitchen to discover my two year old son playing with the dish detergent that used to be in the dishwasher but now was spread all over the kitchen floor...that I had just swept and scrubbed yesterday.

I sat back down to finish my devotions and as I continued to read Paul's letter to the Philippians I felt my shoulders relax and my spirits lift.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, 

for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." 

(Philippians 4:11)

I found myself dwelling on that word "learned", because I knew what it meant to be content, but I didn't know how to do it in the midst of whatever life throws my way.

But Paul knew, no matter what circumstances or trials he had to endure, he had to learn, to choose to be content.

And what is the secret to contentment?

Perspective.

"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything is coming from us, 

but our sufficiency is from God." 

(2 Corinthians 3:5)

Paul knew that contentment didn't come from health, success, possessions, wealth, or even freedom.

Contentment comes from the feet of Christ, in resting in the comfort of God and trusting in His providence instead of being overcome by every condition of life.

As I soaked up these truths, I gained a newer perspective, an eternal perspective.

No matter what today brings, I know that His grace is more than sufficient and that when I am weak, He is strong.   

* For reasons we cannot figure out, my daughter has been calling her brother "yeddo", no matter how often we try to get her to say his real name.  Someday he'll probably be embarrassed by this little toddler-speak nickname, but my husband and I even find ourselves calling him "yeddo" and smiling at the fact that this was a name that could only come from his big sister. 




 

Another Child After a NICU Stay

Our firstborn and our first NICU experience

I read this article on the Papas of Premies facebook page today and it was like someone finally put a voice to some of my fears.

My first pregnancy was rather uneventful, other than the horrible morning sickness that is apparently typical for me.  Everything looked great as far as baby's growth and development and I was looking forward to going into labor at home and having a natural, vaginal delivery at the hospital.  But then, my due date came and went and at almost 42 weeks my doctor finally opted to induce labor.

Labor started out fine and I was able to handle the contractions on my own until suddenly the back labor kicked in.  After over 12 hours and not progressing past 5 cm, I begged for an epidural through my tears.  I finally got some relief and took a short nap, but woke up shaking uncontrollably with a 105 fever.  The nurses confirmed what they suspected - I was complete and ready to push, but the fever was very concerning.

While most of the next almost 2 hours are a blur to me, I will never forget the concerned look on the doctor's face.  Baby's heart rate was dropping and my fever wasn't getting any better.  I think I heard the word C-section whispered in the room, but I just kept pushing, praying this little one would come out on her own.

Having swallowed the meconium, the nurses whisked her away from me the moment she was born to clean her up and pump out the meconium before she got sick.  I didn't get to hold her until she was a few hours old, but I noticed her breathing still wasn't quite right.

The pediatrician came in to check on her and shared my concerns.  She sent her back to the nursery and the next thing I knew, she was having seizures and a helicopter was prepped to bring her to the closest NICU immediately.  Those were some of the scariest moments of my life.

Thankfully, after two weeks, we brought home a healthy, beautiful baby girl.  She's not had any seizures since that first day and I am forever grateful for the NICU.  They truly saved our baby's life.  My OB kept reassuring me after the whole experience that the next time around should be better, because this was a random event.  So, when we were expecting our second, I was hopeful for an easier delivery and a healthy baby from the beginning.

Of course, little did I know that was not how our story was meant to be.  At 37 weeks, I went into labor on my own and, considered full term, my doctor let labor proceed and, after another long and difficult labor, our son was born.  I held him for a few moments after he was born, but noticed his breathing was really shallow.

Before I could even attempt to nurse him, the nurses whisked him away and within a few hours, our pediatrician came into our hospital room with the news that his lungs were possibly premature and an ambulance was prepped to bring him to the same NICU where his sister stayed.

I almost lost it right there.  Could I possibly be reliving this nightmare?  Did she just say NICU?  This can't be right...but it was part of our story.  A week later we finally brought home a healthy, beautiful baby boy.

It's been a long road since then.  The trauma of both my birth experiences has been difficult for me to accept and process.

Every time I hear a friend share her story, I find myself mourning the experiences I wish I'd had with mine.  I wish I'd been able to hold my daughter after she was born.  I wish I'd been able to nurse my babies within that first hour postpartum.  I wish I'd been able to recover like any other mother at the hospital I delivered at, instead of being discharged within 12 hours of giving birth and spending the next week or two going back and forth to the NICU.  I wish I'd been able to bring home a healthy baby after two days.  I wish I'd been able to introduce our little ones to friends and family who wanted so much to visit us in the hospital.

But that wasn't our story and it's been a hard reality for me to grasp.  I've wrestled with fears of "what if it happens again" well before we even conceived our third child.  And now that a new life is growing in my womb, those fears are keeping me up at night.  We met a family during our second NICU experience who was experiencing their third NICU stay.  What if that is us?  

The best thing I can do to still those fears is to lay them at His feet, to come to the only One who knows the rest of this story.  My husband and I have talked often about the reality of "what if", because we know that if it happens again, we will be okay.  The same God who brought us through before will be with us again.  And the NICU staff will take great care of another little one if that is part of our story again.  

 

Just Write: All About Grace

Inspired by this post, I decided, instead of hiding my words when I feel like such a mess, it's time to open up and share my mess.  Because, I often find that sharing my mess opens up a beautiful picture of grace and gives us a place to share the real depth of our hearts here in this space.

And you know, it really is all about grace.  Grace when I make a mess of motherhood...but tomorrow is still a new day.  Grace when I am filled with tears over nothing at all...but He reminds me of who I am in Him.  Grace when I lash out at my husband instead of filling him with words of encouragement that would build him up instead of tear him down...but he holds me in his arms and reminds me he will love me no matter what.

I've been struggling, friends.  I am overjoyed at the life being knit together in my womb...but the morning sickness is really doing me in.  For the past three weeks I've been able to eat nothing more than toast and water.  I was throwing up 2-3 times a day until I finally begged my doctor for help in the form of Zofran.  It helps a little, but I'm still throwing up once a day and eating only small amounts of bland food at a time.

Because I can't eat much and I'm throwing up still so frequently, I am weak and tired and overwhelmed.  This week, our hardwood floors are being refinished.  It was scheduled a week ago, so we had just a week to pack up and move everything out of our living room and bedrooms, the main living areas of our home.

I spent most of the week laying around, barely mustering the energy to make my kids lunch and change my son's diapers.  So, Saturday morning, there was still so, so much to do...and not much I could do to help.  I was so stressed out about it and feeling completely useless that I ended up getting into more than one argument with my husband.  And, of course, I dissolved into tears every single time.

Add to that the realization that, as Easter approaches, so does one more anniversary, now two years since I said goodbye to the grandfather I so dearly loved.  And it's still only been two months since I last hugged my grandmother and heard her say I love you.  Sometimes I forget how hard grief is until it blindsides me.  It will always be there and it will always hurt.

As external stresses begin to weigh me down, inevitably, so does the anxiety I still struggle with.  I'm getting better at recognizing it and stronger at fighting it, but it is still there.  Sometimes it's as much a part of me as breathing and, when I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed, I lose some of that fight.

One day, I was reading post after post of friends whose feet are hitting the pavement still and feeling the high that comes from running...and I realized how much I miss it, how much it has also become as much a part of me as breathing.  And then I begin to feel jealous and sad, jealous because I wish I was out there running too, sad because I wish I was out there running too.  And it's so easy for me to feel down on myself...forgetting that the reason I am not running right now is a very worthwhile and beautiful reason.  I still intend to get out there and run as soon as I am feeling well again, but, for now, it's enough of a workout to get myself out of bed.

And then I read post after post of moms taking their kids out for a walk in this beautiful weather or making some great new recipe...and I stare at the piece of toast I can barely force myself to eat and the macaroni and cheese my kids have been eating for several days straight...and I feel like I have failed somehow.  Because it's easy to play the comparison game and set unrealistic expectations on myself, forgetting that every time I simply set myself up for failure.  And forgetting even more that I am far from a failure...that my purpose right here, right now is growing this little miracle and loving on the two already here in my arms.  Some days all I have the energy for is to hug and hold my kids...and that is more than enough.

So, this morning, after barely mustering the energy to get out of bed and eat a simple piece of toast and one egg, I decided to give myself grace and remember that this is just a season and that my mission is simply to love and cherish these little ones.  And that I can only be the best at being me.  Right now it is hard, but I am going to take it one moment at a time and remember grace, real grace, the kind that loved me despite my mess and chose to die on a cross for me.



 

Wednesday Morning Coffee #2

 

 Photo credit: alfstorm

Since it's been quiet around here lately, I decided Wednesday Morning Coffee was the best way to play catch up, because there's a lot on my mind but my thoughts are so jumbled lately. 

First of all, if you missed my last post, yes, we are expecting number 3!  It was a little bit of a surprise...but, then again, when you use natural family planning a surprise is not really a surprise after all.  Ha! 

I feel like all I do is sleep lately.  I have no energy and the nausea is only getting worse.  Don't get me wrong - I love knowing that I am carrying a little one in my belly and I love watching my belly grow and feeling the baby move as they grow...but those first few months of pregnancy are always so hard for me.  I have to remind myself constantly that it is worth it.  So, when the nausea, fatigue, dizziness hit me in full force, I spend my days praying and thinking about who this little one will be and how our family will be blessed to welcome him or her. 

I honestly was not convinced I was pregnant this time around until I saw a positive pregnancy test.  My husband started teasing me before I had even missed my period that I was probably pregnancy when I started complaining of nausea and was already feeling so tired.  I had one pregnancy test leftover from a couple years ago and when I tried it, the line that says the test was complete didn't show up. 

I was about to head to the store for a new one when I decided to check it one more time.  My daughter followed me to the bathroom and as I held it up to look, I gasped as I saw a very clear positive.  "Valerie, we're going to have another baby!" I shrieked and she grinned and started talking about the baby in my belly. 

Valerie has already declared there is a baby girl in my belly.  When I tried to explain that it could be a boy too, she said, "NO! Baby girl!"  We could have some tears to deal with if this little one is a boy. 

The best part about this pregnancy is that my sister is also expecting, so we get to watch our bellies grow together.  She is due August 28th and I'm due October 11th.  I hope our little ones grow up to be close friends. 

Monday night, my hubby and I planned a Valentine's date night.  We ate dinner here and then he picked up a babysitter so we could enjoy some quiet time alone at a coffee shop nearby.  We spent the time talking about our family mission statement and wrote our rough draft.  It was so refreshing to talk about it and know that we are on the same page as a couple and as parents. 

He even showed me his personal mission statement and I told him how proud I am of the work He has allowed God to do in making him a leader of our home.  Now I just have to find the time and energy to write out my own personal mission statement.  There's really something so freeing in knowing your purpose, because it helps make those day to day decisions more focused and helps put things into perspective. 

We also had a very serious discussion about creating our will.  Now that we have little ones, it's really been on our minds to write up our will, because we never know what tomorrow or the next day will bring.  If something happens to us, we want to make sure our children are well taken care of. 

My parents encouraged us to do the same, because they explained that without putting in a legal document who the guardians would be for our children, they would end up in foster care until it could be sorted out among our family members.  As hard as I know it would be for both of them if something happened to both of us, it would be so much harder and scarier if they had to go to a strangers' home.  I think, as parents, it's part of our responsibility to talk about these hard things, because the future really is so uncertain. 

I still haven't found the time or energy to finish our home management binder.  I bought a really cute binder at Target along with some index dividers, clear plastic page protectors, and an even cuter notebook.  I wanted it to be cheery and fun so I would be more willing to use it on a daily basis.  I love the idea of having a central location for all those important papers and being able to have an organized and well thought out schedule from day to day. 

I've also continued working on purging unnecessary clutter in our home.  I finished organizing all the totes in our basement storage.  I labeled them each with a letter of the alphabet and made a master list of what is in each tote.  I've heard of this system before but never got around to actually putting it into practice in our home.  My husband was even impressed with how well organized it makes our basement storage.  And I love seeing the growing pile of clutter that is going to be leaving our home.  It is so freeing!

Well, I should probably sign off now and take some time to do my daily devotions, because I've been slacking so badly in that area again.  I know that my attitude towards my family improves so much when I am spending time daily in His word.  And our pastor's series of sermons on the book of James has been so convicting to me lately.  I told my husband I find myself squirming in my seat on Sunday mornings, because I know God is trying to get my attention and I don't always want to listen.  Discipline is so hard, but I know it is for His glory to grow and mold me into the woman He created me to be. 

I'd love to hear from YOU too.  Share with me what's been on your heart lately or how I can be praying for you.  I am so grateful for each and every one of you who read my blog and take the time to leave your words of encouragement and love in this space. 

 

Fresh Brewed Sundays: {Blessed}

Photo credit: evanlavine

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, 

the fruit of the womb a reward... 

Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!"

(Psalm 127: 3, 5a)

 I just had to share these verses today as I nearly explode with joy over our exciting news.  Children are really a wonderful blessing from the Lord and I am thrilled God has chosen us to be parents again! 

(And this would explain the silence around here lately...because this mommy is exhausted (and, not to mention, nauseous too...)!  Of course, I couldn't be happier to be this exhausted!)

Linking up with Barbie of My Freshly Brewed Life for Fresh Brewed Sundays.

Introducing...

Almanzo David Hanes

October 10, 2009

12:03 am

6 lbs, 10 oz, 18 inches

I finally got some internet access thanks to my sweet parents.  I've been SO anxious to introduce our sweet baby boy and to thank everyone for all your prayers and encouragement.  What a blessing it is to be surrounded by so many family and friends!

Thursday night (October 8th) I began having contractions around 9:00 pm.  A few nights earlier, I had been woken up in the middle of the night with two hours of contractions that turned out to be false labor, so I wasn't really expecting things to be too different.  However, after two hours, the contractions had become stronger and were consistently five minutes apart.  We called my OB and were told to come into the hospital.  My mom met us at the hospital and our neighbor, Tracy, came to sleep at our house to keep an eye on Valerie.  I continued to have contractions for a few more hours, but was not dilating anymore than the 3 cm my OB said I was at on Monday.  So I was sent home around 2:30 am and attempted to sleep.  I was able to sleep for about an hour, but the contractions continued to get stronger and I eventually had to wake up and move around some more to get through the contractions.  Around 5:30 am, the contractions became stronger and closer together, so we called my OB once again and were told to come back to the hospital.  When we arrived, I was still only 3 cm dilated, so my OB told me to walk around in hopes that the contractions would continue and start making progress.  After a few hours, I was STILL no more than 3 cm dilated, so I was sent home once again.

If you followed my Twitter or Facebook updates, you know I was getting very frustrated and tired at this point.  I knew I was in early labor, but had expected labor to progress much quicker with my second child.  Ted decided to go into work for a little while, we sent Tracy home one more time, and my mom took over caring for Valerie so I could try to get some more rest.  After an hour or so, the contractions seemed to slow down and I became even more frustrated...but then they suddenly became even more intense and even closer together than before.  I was worried about going to the hospital and being sent home again, but, when I could barely talk to my doctor's nurse over the phone, both my OB and my mom said it was definitely time to go back.  So, my mom called Ted to come home from work and our friend, Linda, to watch Valerie. 

This time when we arrived at the hospital I was over 4 cm dilated and baby boy's head was a little lower, so my OB broke my water in hopes of finally speeding things along.  However, after a few more hours I had only dilated to 5 cm, so they started me on Pitocin.  Shortly after the Pitocin was started, I became even more exhausted and was unable to handle breathing through the contractions on my own.  I finally requested an epidural...which is apparently just what my body needs to speed things along, because after a few more hours I was just over 9 cm dilated.  The on call OB increased the Pitocin one last time and I closed my eyes for one last nap.  I was woken up shortly after with tremendous pressure and an urge to start pushing.  After just a few minutes of pushing, our sweet baby boy made his entrance into the world. 

That was one of the most precious moments of my life...and I don't think I could possibly put into words the love I felt for my son at that moment.  They layed him right on my chest and Ted and I just stared at him, in awe of the sweet blessing we had been given.  I had missed out on holding Valerie in those first few moments, because of all the meconium she had swallowed and difficulty she had breathing.  I was so thankful to have those moments, because, as soon as the nurses, began to check him over and clean him up, he began to grunt like he was having trouble getting enough air in his lungs.  They put him on oxygen right away and sent him to the nursery to be monitored.  Once the epidural began to wear off, my nurse helped me get cleaned up and into a wheelchair so Ted and I could go to the nursery as well.  We were both able to hold him, but the nurse keeping an eye on him said he was still having some difficulty breathing, so she was going to call the pediatrician to come check on him.  Ted and I decided to try to get some rest while we waited for the pediatrician and my mom went back to our house to get some rest before heading back to her house. 

When the pediatrician finally came to talk to us...I immediately felt like I was reliving a horrible nightmare.  She told us he was still relying a lot on the extra oxygen to help him breathe and chest x-rays showed his little lungs weren't expanding and filling with air like they should.  She decided it was safest to have him transfered to the same NICU hospital our daughter spent almost 2 weeks at after her birth.  When I heard her say that...I had to ask her to repeat herself...and then all I kept thinking was "You have got to be kidding me..."  We went back to the nursery to see him and I was able to hold him one more time before the NICU transfer team arrived. 

It was so hard to see our sweet baby boy struggling to breathe and feeling helpless to do anything to help him.  As I held him, I rocked him and kissed, reassuring him that we were there and he was going to be well taken care of.  He seemed to calm down as I held him, but I had to fight back the tears.  I just could not believe we were going through the same nightmare all over again.  When Ted and I returned back to the room, I could no longer hold back the tears.  I felt the same heart-breaking pain I felt just over 14 months ago...and could not understand WHY we had to go through it one more time.  As I cried, Ted held me and reassured me that it was going to be ok...and that we would be ok too.  We both realized that our God has not and never will abandon us.  He had his hand in our son's life before we even knew he existed and He would give us the strength once again.  I felt an overwhelming peace as we prayed for our son and thanked God for blessing us with his sweet life.  I knew then and know even more now that our son will be ok...and that our God will carry us through.  He IS good...even though we can't understand what good can come of such heart-ache...and His love is everlasting...even though it's hard to see through the pain how much He has blessed us with His love. 

Right now, our Little Pumpkin is breathing with the help of oxygen through a nasal tube and is getting some antibiotics to treat him for a possible infection.  The nurse taking care of him mentioned that the infection could be something he developed in utero and that could be the reason he was born early...because his little body needed to get out so it could heal.  Plus, since he is early and boys mature slower than girls, his lungs may just be slightly underdeveloped.  His color looked really good and he was comfortable and breathing a little better than when he left our hospital.  We are reassured that he is being well taken care of and know that he will receive the best care here. 

I was discharged from our hospital this morning and we are spending some time here at the NICU before heading to my parent's house to spend the night.  We so appreciate all the prayers that have already been said on our behalf and would greatly appreciate your continued prayers for his healing as well as my recovery from labor and delivery. 

Preparing Our Home for Baby Boy

All the baby boy clothes are hanging in the nursery closet...

...and folded on a shelf...just waiting to be worn.

 

Baskets full of newborn hats, booties, burp cloths, and bibs were carefully washed and organized...

...including some handmade booties from Great Grandma, like these little green boots..

...these sweet blue and yellow slippers...

 

...and this baby blue pair.

 

A stash of newborn cloth diapers are washed, folded, and ready to be used...including fitted diapers...

...prefold diapers...

...diaper covers and all-in-one diapers.

The only thing missing is a sweet baby boy...