Bigger Picture Moments: In Spite Of Fear

 
My daughter holds my hand tight, skipping along with a smile on her face.  I stare at her, mesmerized. 

It's dark out and all I can see are shadows and unknowns.  My mind is racing with all the what ifs and I can feel panic rising.  I wish I could fast forward time and just step from here to the safety of my bedroom and my husband's arms. 

She is non-stop chattering, retelling stories of her school day, the dance she is learning, the friends she is making, the things that make her laugh, the thoughts that make her wonder.  I remind her to watch where she is walking, because there is ice and darkness and cars to consider.  She holds my hand tighter and smiles again. 

"I love when it's just you and me, mommy."

I smile as I buckle her in, but I'm only half listening.  I'm looking around, wondering what is hidden in the darkness and locking the doors quickly before hurrying down the road that leads us back home. 

I breathe deeply, asking for peace and calm to cover the fears and I listen once more to my daughter's words.  Her stories are full of details and emotion, because she always remembers faces and she feels everything deep and wide just like me. 

But it doesn't bother her.  She doesn't know what it is to be ashamed of the way her heart breaks over every little hurt and the way words stay with her long after they've been forgotten and forgiven.  She simply lives and loves with everything she's got. 

The conversation returns to her dance class and the recital that is drawing near.  I ask her what it's like to wait backstage with a room full of people and if it bothers her that I'm not there.

"Well, I'm always nervous at dance, because I don't really know anybody.  But that's okay."

Her words pierce my heart and I remember the way she danced tonight.  She didn't pay attention to anything or anyone else besides the music and her own body.  The music moved her in a way that took my breath away. 

She may seem shy and even afraid, but she doesn't let it stop her.  She simply does what is hard because she loves to dance. 

I remember what my husband told me just a few days earlier.  "Sometimes you have to do the hard things, even if you're afraid."  

My daughter has figured out what I am still struggling to learn, because I've spent my life running and hiding from fear.  Being brave doesn't mean not being afraid; being brave means being afraid but doing the things you fear in spite of fear. 

So maybe this year is not really about no more fear.  Maybe this year is really about being brave. 

 

Year of No More Fear

(photo credit: AugustenSkye Photography)

Fear is my biggest stronghold.  I'm a world class worrier and I can jump to the worst case scenario in seconds.  It's a constant battle going on in my mind to reign in my thoughts and not allow them to hold me captive day in and day out.

It's exhausting.

I've been on a journey the past few years of facing my fears, going back to memories that have haunted me and allowing God to heal me of the hurt and pain of things I've kept hidden deep in my heart.  But still there was fear.

It always seems to hover there in the shadows, waiting to devour me.

But, here's the thing: fear is a thief and a liar.  It steals my joy and clouds my vision.  Praying and reading my bible more don't always stop the anxiety from eating away at my soul when I can't see past the fear to uncover the lies.

But I'm done with fear.  This is my official break up notice.

Dear fear, you don't own me anymore.  I know the One who holds all my tomorrows.  He's the One who calls me by name, who knows every hair on my head, who knew the days He had planned for me before I even took my first breath.

And I know the end of this story.  He wins.  Every time.

This year, instead of just One Word, I'm putting on truth.  I'm clothing myself in the Words He speaks to my heart and reminding myself that I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.

Proverbs 31:25 says "She is clothed with strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future."  THIS is the truth I want imprinted on my heart.  Every time I pondered the word He would have me focus on this year, I kept coming back to these Words.

This year is my year of no more fear.  It's a year to be brave, to walk forward without fear of the future.  It's a year to be strong and courageous, to do the things that are hard.

John Piper says that the only way to wage war on fear and win is to "defeat it with hope in the promises of God" because the "presence of hope in the invincible sovereignty of God drives out fear."  

Matthew Henry says it another way: "She enjoys a firmness and constancy of mind, has spirit to bear up under many crosses and disappointments which even the wise and virtuous must expect to meet within this world..." 

So, instead of fighting a battle that's already been won, I'm calling on the name of the Lord who is my strong tower and running to Him.  No matter what tomorrow brings, I will rest in the refuge of the strong tower of my Lord...and I will be okay. 

 

One Word 2014: Peace

Reading through my One Word post for last year is like reading a summary of my year. It never ceases to amaze me how God uses this One Word to shape my year. He prepared me for what the year held before I even knew what I was up against.  He wrote Hope on my heart and then used it to keep me rooted and grounded in Him no matter what storms threatened to uproot me. 

As I began reflecting on all that was 2013, I dove into an advent study with Good Morning Girls as well as reading through Ann Voskamp's The Greatest Gift.  I was really wrestling with a lot of painful memories and some really hard sifting that is still ongoing.  It didn't surprise me that the word for the first week of advent was Hope...but what did surprise me was the way God used the daily study verses to speak to the deepest places of my heart.

During week 2 of the study, I really came to a breaking point.  I was weighed down by so much fear and before I knew it the anxiety I still struggle with had a firm grip on me.  I wrote about this a little here, but there was so much more to it.  At my weakest moment, I was hit with the first full on panic attack in a long time...and it terrified me.  Because in those moments, all I can see is the dark.  It feels like I'm sinking fast with no way of escape and I'm so very alone. 

But God didn't let me go.  He reached into that darkness and showed me how His light still shines in the darkest places.  I sat in the quiet after the storm had passed and went to the only place I knew would really give me rest: His Word.  I found myself planted in the words of Philippians 4:4-7 and as I continued to read and dig deep into these words, He spoke to my heart in a way that took my breath away.

I was no longer just reading words on a page.  It was like He was speaking them directly to my heart and as I let them soak in, I heard Him whispering the One Word I needed for the new year to come: Peace.  Only His peace can keep my mind and heart steady and secure come what may. As Spurgeon says, "Peace with God keeps the heart rich." 

I began to pray out loud, something I don't do often enough, and as I prayed I wept.  The act of speaking out loud my fears and doubts and struggles physically lifted a deep and heavy burden I'd been carrying for far too long.  Tears of hurt and pain became tears of peace and joy as He began to renew my spirit and comfort my aching heart. 

Spurgeon says, "You can not have peace unless you turn your troubles up.  You have no place in which to pour your troubles except the ear of God."  The longer I hold onto my burdens before I lay them at His feet, the more I lose the peace that is only found in Him. 

Matthew Henry's commentary describes peace as "the comfortable sense of our reconciliation to God and interest in his favour, and the hope of the heavenly blessedness, and enjoyment of God hereafter" and says that "it will keep us from sinning under our troubles, and from sinking under them; keep us calm and sedate, without discomposure of passion, and with inward satisfaction".  When my mind is so easily threatened by anxious thoughts, it's His peace I need most.  It's His peace that promises to guard my mind from whatever troubles would try to besiege and take control. 

So, this year is the year of Peace and, even more so, it's the year of no more fear.  I'm done fighting battles that He's already won.  I need His peace to face another year of unknowns. 

Come what may, I want His peace to cast my troubles far away and to keep my mind and heart deeply rooted and safe in Him.  This year, I'm purposing to run straight away to Him whenever troubles overcome and to daily practice praising Him for all He has already done and continues to do for me.  I want to live the truth of Isaiah 26:3 - "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you."


 

Hope Mingled With Grief

photo credit

Hope. 

How do you hold onto hope when it hurts too much?

What does it mean to hope even in the storms? 

Where is hope when all seems lost?

Just as my eyelids were beginning to droop and our littlest one was nursing to sleep curled up in my arms last night, I read words that brought me back to the days of waiting rooms and sad goodbyes.

My husband's grandma has lived a rich and full life, but how do you say goodbye to someone you wish you had known all your life, who has loved you in such a short time with a deep and unconditional love, who has embraced you as her own and encouraged you even as she struggled to do the daily tasks you so often take for granted?

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope."

(1 Thessalonians 4:13)

I read these words, but still I wonder: how is it possible for hope to be mingled with grief?

"For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep."

(1 Thessalonians 4:14)

I know my husband's grandma awaits a joyful celebration in heaven, because she knows the One who died and rose again.  The hope of heaven draws her near to Him...but far from those who love and have been loved by her here on earth.

So, we weep that she will no longer be here with us, but we rejoice that she will soon be with the Lord, for all eternity, where sin and death and tears and pain are no more.  Her body will be fully healed and she will be sitting at the feet of Jesus, gazing upon His glory.

This is hope mingled with grief, a time for weeping and a time for rejoicing. 

But, even if I wasn't sure that the hope of heaven awaited her, could I still grieve with hope?

"Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord."

(1 Thessalonians 4:17)

And so we will always be with the Lord.  Oh, what hope is found in those words, to know that when we know the Son, we can know the Father and that there will be a day when we will be with Him for all eternity. 

Matthew Henry says "This hope is more than enough to balance all our griefs upon account of any of the crosses of the present time."  And so, we do no weep as the world weeps, as those who have no hope of a better life after this, but hold onto the hope of heaven that awaits us one day.

"All grief for the death of friends is far from being unlawful; we may weep at least for ourselves if we do not weep for them, weep for own loss, though it may be their fain. Yet we must not be immoderate in our sorrows..." (Matthew Henry)

Yes, we can weep, but we don't continue to hold onto grief instead of holding onto hope.  That would look like we have no hope, but our hope is not in this world.  Our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness.  His blood covers our sin and opens wide heavens doors to those who open wide His gift and embrace life in Him. 

And so, I may rejoice, come what may, just as Job did, even when everything he held dear on this earth was taken away.

"For I know that my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another. My heart faints within me!" (Job 19:25-27)

***

For more about HOPE, my One Word this year, check out these posts:

When Hope Changes Everything

{Broken & Mended} Truth Reminders: Psalm 42:11

Hope That Is Grounded

The Weekend Brew: My Safe Place

One Word 2013: Hope

Hope That Is Grounded

Photo Credit: drubuntu

I shouldn't be surprised by the way God speaks One Word into my heart for the year and then sprinkles my days with glimpses of what that word means and how He wants me to grow into it.  But it still takes my breath away that He would choose to care about the little details of my life so thoroughly.

This week has been tough, as I've fought my way through a painful bout with mastitis, crabby children, a teething and growing baby, and the doldrums of dark winter days.  It's always when I'm at my weakest physically that my spirit take the greatest toll.

But God knew well before I did what this week would bring.  He is never surprised and always prepared, well in advance.  Because this is also the week that began a new bible study with a sweet new group of sister-friends.

And in my devotion time yesterday, I came across this quote from Matthew Henry's commentary regarding the focus verses for the day, Luke 1:37-38, "We must, as Mary here, guide our desires by the word of God, and ground our hopes upon it. Be it unto me according to thy word; just so, and no otherwise." 

Mary was told by an angel of the Lord that she - a virgin - would bear a son...and not just any son, but the Son of God.  She had to know what this would do to her future and her reputation, but she chose to humbly submit.  She laid aside her fears and worries, holding instead onto the hope that came in the form of a Son born to be the Savior of the world.

Mary believed what King David believed when he said in 2 Samuel 7:28, "And now, O Lord God, you are God, and your words are true, and you have promised this good thing to your servant."  God keeps His promises and works all things together for good to those who call upon His name.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but hope that is rooted and grounded in the truth of God's Word is a desire fulfilled and a tree of life.  And though I may be sick physically, my spirit is renewed by these truths and by the One who knew exactly how and when to speak them to my heart.

 

One Word 2013: Hope

Last year I began a new tradition of choosing One Word to focus on for the year. It's amazing to look back on how often God reminded me of that One Word. These are a few posts I wrote about JOY, but the word Joy permeated my day to day life throughout the year.

Joy: Heart & Soul of Thankful Praise

You Have Filled Me With Greater Joy

 Fresh Brewed Sunday: Count It All Joy

 Joy Dare: Week 4

As a new year begins, I am grateful that His mercies are new every morning and that there is beauty in fresh beginnings.  One of the definitions for the word new is unfamiliar and strange.  Last year, there were so many unexpected changes happening that I felt at times like I was wondering foreign lands, like Abraham as he left the land he knew for the unknown land God had promised him.

God, however, was not surprised at all by these changes.  Before I was even formed in my mother's womb, He had already written out all the days set before me.  Sit and ponder that last sentence once...because it is nothing short of amazing.

The new year looks to me like a clean slate, a blank canvas, a fresh start...but it is also a future yet unknown to me.  The unknown can be scary and overwhelming to me, but not to God.  He already knows what this year holds and He will not leave me to walk those foreign lands alone.

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This year, as I journey forward to a future I am completely unfamiliar with, I hear Him whisper softly One Word to my heart: HOPE.  And as I ponder that word, I hear the melody of a familiar hymn dancing through my mind. 

My hope is built on nothing less 

than Jesus' blood and righteousness. 

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, 

but wholly lean on Jesus' name.  

On Christ the solids rock I stand.  

All other ground is sinking sand.

As I begin to hum the tune, I think about a verse that God spoke to my heart over a year ago, in the midst of one of my hardest trials.  He reminded me of this truth over and over again, because I needed to remember that no matter how hard or scary life is, there is a hope that is more solid than even the firmest foundation on earth.  And that, my friends, is Christ alone.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation." 

(Psalm 42:5)

I have a feeling this is One Word that will continue to change me and challenge me throughout the year as I focus on the One who alone is my hope.  

Project 52: Resolution

After blogging about my one word for the year, it shouldn't have surprised me that I opened up one of my favorite blogs to find this Joy Dare of counting 1000 gifts this year.  And yet, it still amazes me how God has been reassuring me that this is what He wants me to know this year - that joy doesn't come in an easy, pain-free, without trouble life.  It comes from remembering that He has already done great things for me and in knowing that He will carry me through whatever life brings my way and use it to grow me into a woman of faith who is made perfect and complete, lacking nothing.  Oh, believe me, I needed this reminder...and I know I will need it over and over and over. 

(The notebook I'm using in this picture to record my gifts was created at Paper Coterie.  Right now they're offering a FREE $30 code which means you could get TWO of these beautiful notebooks and only pay shipping!)

Linking up with Darcy of My 3 Boybarians for one photo each week for a year. 

One Word 2012: JOY

 Photo credit: zen

"The Lord has done great things for us, 

and we are filled with joy." 

Psalm 126:3

Last year I didn't really think about a word for the year.  I started out the year feeling really hopeful and sure that this would be a better year.  What I failed to consider, however, is that life is filled with trials.  I thought life would be better, because I couldn't possibly endure the same difficult trials of the previous year.  But life is hard.  God never promised it would be easy.  Sin brought into this world sickness, heart ache, pain, and death.

God used last year to teach me the real meaning of blessing.  I learned that sometimes blessings come through raindrops.  The hardest moments are often the times that I grow the most.  I know that I am already stronger and wiser than I was one year ago, because of the blessings that came through those raindrops.

This year, my hope is built on the only One who will really give me a better life.  I know that there will be trials, pain, heart ache, trouble this year, but I have been thinking a lot about what James said (James 1:2),

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.  

Just as He taught me that blessings come through raindrops, He continues to remind me that joy can be found even in the hardest times, because of the eternal hope that He has given me.

This week, when I opened up my planner to find my memory verse for the week, I wasn't surprised when I saw the word joy in my verse (Psalm 126:3).  God has a way of getting my attention that way.  This verse is a simply beautiful reminder that joy comes from remembering that He has already done great things for me.

Isaiah 12:4-6 says,

And you will say in that day: "Give thanks to the LORD, call upon his name, make known his deeds among the peoples, proclaim that his name is exalted. "Sing praises to the LORD, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth. Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion, for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel." 

While this verse was directed toward the people of Israel, the truth of it still applies today.  It reminds us that we can always count it all joy, as James says, because He has done gloriously and great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.

What is your One Word for 2012?  I'm linking up with Bonnie at Faith Barista for this Faith Dare as part of Thursdays' Faith Barista JAM. 

Goals for a New Year

 Photo credit: Adam Prince

As I reflected on all that was 2011 for me, I started to think about the promise and hope that this year holds.  I know I have come a long way in the past year and I want 2012 to be the year that I continue to grow and find myself complete in the joy of the Lord.  With that in mind, I have a few measurable goals I want to achieve this year.

1. Lose 20 more pounds.  Last year I lost 30 pounds and found myself back at my pre-pre pregnancy weight.  This year, I want to reach my goal weight and continue maintaining my weight loss through healthy eating and exercise.

2. Memorize His word each week.  I bought a little pocket calendar from Dayspring during their after Christmas sale.  Every week there is one bible verse highlighted on the page, giving me little excuse for finding a verse to memorize for the week.  I want to continue hiding His word in my heart and building up my treasures where they really count.

3. Run a half marathon.  Last September, I did something I never thought I'd do - I started running.  And, lo and behold, I found out I love to run.  I have completed three short races (1, 2, and 3 miles), but this year I want to increase my mileage and finish a half marathon in September.  Of course, right now, I am unable to run due to Achilles tendinitis, but hopefully with three more weeks of rest and physical therapy thanks to the help of my foot doctor, I will be able to run again.

4. Turn off the computer between breakfast and nap time and after nap time until bed time.  I want to be more present and actively spending time with my kids, because I know one day I will miss this.  And, I want to do more with my kids - early learning activities, projects and crafts, playing games, and outdoor adventures.  So, I'm taking it one day at a time, but my goal is to be off the computer while my kids are awake. 

Memory Verse Monday

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

I have to confess that I haven't been really good about memorizing my bible verse this week.  I was so busy planning my trip to California, that, instead of meditating on my verse, all my mind could think about was planning details, cleaning before I left, and the excitement of meeting my sweet friend, Veronica, for the first time (which was amazing and I can't wait to share all about it).  I know it's no real excuse though, because nothing is more important than my Jesus.  I did memorize my verse, but I'm still a little shaky on it and haven't really meditated on it. So, tonight, I did a little bible study of my memory verse and allowed God to speak to my heart. 

The word translated as "welfare" is the Hebrew shalom, which means peace and prosperity.  My ESV bible online says that the word shalom "had a much richer connotation than the English word does since it conveyed not merely the absence of conflict and turmoil but also the notion of positive blessing, especially in terms of a right relationship with God".  As the hymn says, "When peace like a river, attendeth my way / When sorrows like sea billows roll / Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say / It is well, it is well, with my soul."  No matter what my circumstances are...no matter how much sinus pressure I have and no matter how tired I might be right now...I can have shalom, because my peace is found only in Jesus Christ.  This is the kind of peace I long for and the peace that I am seeking in Him this year. 

1-1-11

My wishes, goals, dreams for the new year...

• Lose a total of 50 pounds by my sister's wedding in July to be back at my pre-baby-baby weight and be able to fit into my wedding dress again.
• Take a photo a day all year long of every day life and document it Project Life style.
• Memorize a bible verse every week, so His word is alive and active in my heart and in my life.

Words to live by this year...

• "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of PEACE and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."  (Jeremiah 29:11)
• "...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be CONTENT."(Philippians 4:11)

2010 Reading List

One of my goals for 2010 is to read the many books I've bought in the past few years that I haven't finished reading yet...before buying new books!  I was thinking it would be fun to share my reviews of the books as I finish them too.  Most of the books are non-fiction, because I have the hardest time remaining interested in them.  I start them, read a chapter or two, get bored, resort to reading a fiction book that I can devour in a day, and somehow forget about the book I intended to read altogether.  So, here is my reading list for 2010:

Don't Make Me Count to Three! by Ginger Plowman

The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo

ABC of Asthma, Allergies, & Lupus by F. Batmanghelidj, M.D.

Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions by Randy Alcorn

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen

Confessions of a Prayer Wimp by Mary Pierce

Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life by Keri Wyatt Kent

Lies Women Believe And The Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss 

The Hiding Place: The Triumphant Story of Corrie ten Boom with John & Elizabeth Sherrill

Tramp For The Lord (Sequel to The Hiding Place) by Corrie Ten Boom with Jamie Buckingham

Spilled Milk: Breastfeeding Adventures & Advice from Less-Than-Perfect Moms by Andy Steiner

Natural Family Planning Blessed Our Marriage: 19 True Stories by Fletcher Doyle


What Mothers Do, Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen

The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan

Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp

Daughters of the Promise series (Plain Perfect, Plain Pursuit, and Plain Promise) by Beth Wiseman

Simplify Your Hectic Life by Annie Chapman with Maureen Rank

The Honest Herbal by Varro E. Tyler, PhD

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman