Photo credit: jasontabarias
Though the days are long and the child taking up more and more space in my womb makes me weary and exhausted, sleep is hard to find. I lay in bed, my mind filled with so many fears and worries and burdens."She knows what is coming tomorrow, yet she sleeps soundly. And why should she worry? God who gave her joy in the sunshine today will hold her close in the valley tomorrow." (Emily Cook, Weak and Loved)
In my dreams, I imagine our littlest one in the NICU, too tiny even for newborn clothing, struggling for every breath, his weak little body having too soon left the safety of his mother's cocoon. The words of the father we met in the NICU the last time echo in my thoughts, "This is our third baby in the NICU". And I wonder if that will be us.
My thoughts wander to a night only a week ago, helping my daughter put on her soft pink footie pajamas, the ones my sweet grandma hand picked for her, the last gift from a women who loved well and is still so loved by many. As I tried to zip them closed, my daughter struggles to pull it up over her shoulders and I realize it is almost too small. And I can't bear packing it away, one more final reminder that she is really gone.
Tears come unexpectedly these days, pregnancy hormones quickly overtaking my already struggling emotions. I weep over the silliest, most random, and sometimes meaningless things. Then I wonder, what if I fall again? What if the darkness takes over once more and I can't find my way out this time? I remember well that feeling of hopelessness and loneliness...and I fight daily to keep it from coming back.
My parents sold their home, the home they've owned for over 20 years. If walls could speak, oh the stories it would tell of the five kids who grew up to be adults, of the parents whose love for each other held us all together in sickness and in health, of the memories buried deep in the wooden floors and freshly painted walls. I know it's a good change, but it's still a hard change.
My grandparents home awaits new life, plans already in the works for its future. We will watch our little ones run around the circle of hallways I once enjoyed as a kid. We will celebrate holidays and family and love within its walls. It will grow and change as my family continues to grow and change. But it will always tell the stories of the love that first laid its foundation. And the memories will not soon be forgotten.
Some days, even when I count my blessings and remember how all sufficient His grace is, I still struggle. As Emily said, "my own wounds still hurt, and they would take some time to heal". Grief is a strange, unpredictable journey. Though I am stronger than the days depression and anxiety held a firm grip on me, though it's been months since my sweet grandmother breathed her last, though my two NICU babies are now healthy, growing children filling my days with joy and making my heart explode with love, I am still weak.
Yet, "though I am weak, He loves". The same God who saw us through the last two NICU stays will see us through if that is where the road leads again. The same God who brought me through the storms of depression and anxiety will lead me through any dark valleys before me. The same God who walked me through the first year of grieving the loss of my grandfather will continue to bind up my broken heart and give strength to my weary soul as I continue to walk this road of grief again.
He is not surprised by today and already knows my tomorrows. As Emily wrote so beautifully about her own dark valleys, "be weak and be loved". Because any strength I already have comes from Him. Left on my own, I am too weak, but His strength is always enough and His grace is all sufficient.
And so, for all the tomorrows I don't know, for the future that is always uncertain, I will rest in His love that is already more than I deserve. Though I am weak, I am loved.
"I do know this: Worry stops nothing. Mental rehearsals do nothing. I cannot prepare my own heart for that day in a hypothetical world. God never asked me to do that. He sees the sin that mixes itself with my love. Yet He has mercy, in Jesus, giving daily forgiveness and strength for the daily demands of love. he gives daily bread; He strengthens me in days of health and sickness." (Emily Cook, Weak and Loved)
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Linking up with Heather for Just Write
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Psst, right now you can get Emily's beautifully written story FREE as an e-book on Amazon. I read it in a day - it is THAT good! Now I'm seriously considering buying the paperback just to be able to page through and read it again. There's something about holding the pages of a book in your hands that will always be better than an e-book.
Also, the winner of my 75 (Facebook) Fan Giveaway has been announced - check out the post here and be sure to LIKE my facebook page if you haven't already. I love the conversations and connections that happen there.
