My God-Sized Dream: The Stand Still of Fear

If I knew I could not,

would not

fail

I would write my book

...finally.

I would not be afraid

of writing

the painful memories

and digging up

the past.

I would

remember

I am not my failures

and I am not a failure.



Because it is fear that keeps me here...

...grounded, 

...rooted, 

...STUCK 

in a stand still

with my God-sized dream lingering

and my fingers itching

but my feet immobile

and my thoughts at war within.



But what if I do panic

and what if the memories do hurt

and what if I don't succeed?

Will He still be there?

Will I still be okay?

He is good 

and He is true 

and He is ever faithful. 

He will finish what He has begun

and He will not forsake me.


So go...

let your feet move 

and let your words soar 

on the wings of eagles 

and of dreams 

He wants you 

to set free. 


No fear is bigger than Him

and no stronghold is greater than Him.

He moves mountains

and parts seas

and sends rain

to a parched

and weary land.


And He will rain down

life, 

peace, 

freedom 

as you stand up

and move forward

come what may

and knowing not

what lies ahead.


He knows

and He has already

set in motion

His good

and perfect plans

for you.


Fear is a lie. 

Freedom is true. 

And He is good. 

Let go of the lie 

and write Truth 

on your heart 

so you can finally 

and wholly 

walk in the light 

of His dreams for you.


 

Bigger Picture Moments: A (Sort-Of) Farewell

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I opened up my newsfeed this morning, all ready to be inspired and encouraged by one of my favorite writing communities when I saw this post.  My heart sank and my breath stopped short when I read the words "A Finale".  I don't know if I can ever fully put into words what this community has meant for me, but I will try...

I've been along for the ride from the beginning, waiting with anticipation when its creation was first hinted. Those first few weeks, I linked up with caution, wondering if my words were good enough to be found among the words of these amazing writers. 

In truth, I still hesitate with every post I write, because there's always this fear of what others will think and if my words are good and right.  But, ultimately, I write for an audience of One and His is the only approval that is worth seeking.  

When I first started writing my own Bigger Picture Moments, I was struggling to get out of bed every morning.  There was a long period where I didn't write at all, because the words were just too hard to write.  I was barely staying afloat through the raging storms that were grief, postpartum depression and anxiety, and post-traumatic stress. 

Once the words started to come, I opened up my heart as I shared the ups and downs of my journey with this community of writers.  I was overwhelmed by the women here who began to share their own stories and open up their hearts to me, a women they only knew through words on a computer screen.  These women gave me a safe place to heal and grow as a writer, a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter. 

But, while this is a finale for Bigger Picture Blogs, it is not the end of friendships cultivated through blog posts or finding the bigger picture in the simple moments of life.  I've already connected with many of these amazing women beyond our blogs and look forward to continuing to share our lives through the beauty of the internet.  And I will continue to write my own Bigger Picture Moments as the words come, because it's in the simple moments of life where God teaches me and grows me the most and if I don't stop to smell the roses and embrace the moments I'm going to miss them. 


 

{Guest Post} My PPD Story: Deb

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My PPD experience seemed to begin during my last pregnancy, even though I did not realize it at the time.
I was dealing with health issues such as elevated blood pressure & gestational diabetes which required a strict diet.  I also had a test done called a "triple screen" that showed an elevated risk that my baby could have Downs Syndrome.

All of these things combined caused lots of stress. I had an amniocentesis to rule out the Downs, but then needed to be induced 1 month early because my blood pressure was so high. I was experiencing problems sleeping, but also some intense anxiety. At first, I didn't realize how bad the anxiety was getting or that it really wasn't normal.

Once my healthy little baby girl was born, everything seemed okay for a week or so, but then the anxiety kicked in full tilt. My blood pressure also didn't settle down and I had to go back on medication for that. I felt nervous all of the time and had a "shell-shocked" feeling that I couldn't shake. I had strange symptoms, too, like tingling & cold hands/feet & profuse sweating. I felt like my body's "fight or flight" instincts were kicked into overdrive.

Shortly after that, the depression set it. I had all of the typical symptoms: sadness, lack of energy, sleeplessness, inability to make decisions, feeling "foggy" all of the time, excessive worrying and many bouts of crying. It was truthfully a very scary time for myself and my family.

I was given a book by one of the Nurse Educators from the hospital I work at entitled: "This Isn't What I Expected: Overcoming Postpartum Depression". I read it cover to cover and that is what completely convinced me that I indeed had a significant case of PPD. I made doctor and therapist appointments and started to take an antidepressant, but continued to struggle with my symptoms for months. My symptoms were often most intense in the morning & some days were worse than others, too.

I remember many days just trying to get through one hour at a time. I hated being alone at home and would watch the clock constantly, waiting for afternoon when my husband would get home from work. Accomplishing even small tasks, like folding a load of laundry or cooking supper seemed completely overwhelming to me.

I tried lots of treatments during that first year of my Daughter's life: medication, therapy, biofeedback, even a visit to a chiropractor. I know that different things work for different people, but what I felt helped me the most was finding the right antidepressant (the first one I was put on did not help at all), and the support of my husband, family & friends. I literally spent hours on the phone when I wasn't feeling well, talking to friends and family. It was my own form of "talk therapy" and it really worked for me. Usually I'm not extremely social or much of a talker in general, but when I had PPD, I NEEDED to talk.

For anyone out there currently suffering from PPD, I'd like you to know that I was initially very resistant to the idea of taking an antidepressant.  I was breastfeeding and worried that the medication passing through my milk would not be safe for my baby. I was also worried that I would have to take an antidepressant for the rest of my life. My doctors did reassure me that they were prescribing medications that were considered safe with breastfeeding & as my symptoms slowly improved, I was able to wean myself off of the medication by the time my Daughter turned 2.

One other thing I like to share with women suffering from this illness is that the illness will cause you fear that you will never feel like yourself again; that you will have to live with the miserable symptoms of PPD for the rest of your life. These thoughts are symptoms & are not true. You will feel better. You will recover and become yourself again. Tell yourself that over and over, because it will happen. 

***

Hi! My name is Deb Waters. I am 47 years old and a wife, proud Mother of 3, Registered Nurse & Lactation Consultant. I had PPD with my last baby (she is now 13 years old). In sharing my story, I hope to give Moms who are struggling with PPD a healthy dose of information, support & hope.

***

This post is part of a series of guest posts called My PPD Story that are part of my ministry with (in)courage in leading an (in)courager community group called Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression.  Several brave moms have graciously offered to share their stories in this space to raise awareness about postpartum depression and help other moms know they are not alone.  If you are struggling with PPD, please check out this website for some amazing resources to get you the help you need, because there is hope and healing is possible.  


 

{Broken & Mended} Truth Reminders: Psalm 34:18

photo credit: SodanieChea


"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted 

and saves the crushed in spirit."

(Psalm 34:18)

I remember too well the hopelessness and weariness I felt in the midst of my postpartum depression.  It took all my energy just to get out of bed and, by the time my husband came home from work at the end of the day, I had nothing left to give.  I would collapse on the couch in tears, broken and crushed, feeling completely and totally defeated.

When I opened my computer yesterday, I felt the same brokenhearted, hopeless feeling as I read the news from Boston and thought of the numerous tragedies our country has endured in the past few years alone.  I couldn't help thinking, "where are you, Lord?".

But I was reminded, in the same way God spoke to me in the darkness of depression, that even when I don't understand and even when it seems hopeless, He is still near and He is still Savior.  

God never promises that there won't be trouble in this world, but He does promise to be near.  The word near here is defined in Strong's Concordance as "intimate acquaintance...familiar to us...daily in our mouths".  In Christ, we can boldly come to the throne of the One who is above all and know Him as one who is near.

Jeremiah 23:23-24 says: 

"Am I a God at hand, declares the LORD, and not a God far away? Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him? declares the LORD. Do I not fill heaven and earth? declares the LORD."  

What a comfort to know that He is not a God far away, but a God at hand, nearer even in our darkest hours!

***

 This blog post is part of a series of posts I will be sharing on Sundays (or Mondays...or Tuesdays...when I need to give myself grace on a busy weekend) during Session 2 of (in)courager community groups to encourage the women I am honored to be ministering to and leading in the Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression group.  Each week will include a Truth Reminder from His words that gives hope of healing and mending in the midst of postpartum depression.


 

Bigger Picture Moments: What the World Needs Now

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What if, 

instead of passing judgement 

and finding ways to accuse,

and what if, 

instead of spewing hurt filled words 

out of jealousy and ignorance,

we spoke love instead?  



What if,

instead of shunning and shaming

and ignoring and whispering,

and what if,

instead of throwing stone

and building walls,

we spoke love instead?



What the world,

with its broken and wounded,

shamed and scarred,

and hopelessly hurting people

needs in the here and now

is love.



Love that sent His only son,

to a dying world,

who healed the sick,

mended the broken,

comforted the hurting,

and gave rest to the weary.



Love that was a humble servant,

washing the feet of the dirt-trodden,

breaking bread with sinners,

and welcoming home the lost.



Love came and love gave

grace and peace,

mercy and hope,

and so we must love

because He first loved

and He only gave it all

for a world of lost sinners

and hurting prisoners,

and broken trespassers.



Love mends and love heals,

love listens and love comes,

and love meets us

just as we are,

all of us broken,

hiding our secrets

and burying our hurts,

waiting and wondering

if anyone will ever love enough.



When love is spoken,

brokenness becomes beauty,

and hope springs forth.

Because love nourishes

and love waters

and love cultivates,

for when love is spoken,

our words breath life.



Yes, what the world needs now

is Love,

sweet and perfect,

good and holy,

Love.

"We can love each other better. Let’s do. People have enough hurt. 

Let’s be careful with one another." 

- Beth Moore

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: 

just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 

By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."

John 13:34-35

Linking up with Bigger Picture Blogs for this week's Bigger Picture Moment.

***

This post grew out of my heart as it broke over this news and the way people have responded...and the way too many continue to respond to mental illness as if it's still a sin to throw stones at or a problem to ignore and hide behind walls of secrets and shame.  Mental illness is just that - an illness.  It is never something that is a person's fault or own doing and it's time the world began to love on people instead of heaping more hurt and pain on those who are already so weary and heavy burdened.  

 

{Broken & Mended} Truth Reminders: Philippians 4:6-7

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"Do not be anxious about anything, 

but in every situation, by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  

(Philippians 4:6-7)

One of the commentaries I read said this of worrying or being anxious: "As long as He is on the throne, I do not need to worry." I love the words and the truth here, but, to be honest, there are so many times when it is easier said than done.  For someone who struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety, I remember reading these verses over and over and feeling worse every time, because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to put it into practice. 

I believe there is a difference between the anxiety spoken of here, which is the every day worry about tomorrow, and the anxiety I was diagnosed with that day I finally sought out the help I needed.  That kind of anxiety is all consuming and overwhelming.  It is not something I could simply get over or pull myself out of, no matter how hard I prayed or cried out to Him.  But I also believe there is freedom from both kinds of anxiety in the One who breathed these words onto paper through the hands of His faithful servant, Paul.  

The word "anxious" means to be troubled or full of care.  The word used in these verses in Philippians is the same word translated as worry in Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  It is, as Matthew Henry says, "anxious care and distracting thought in the wants and difficulties of life".  That kind of anxiety is sin, because it is saying that God is not enough.  Another commentary says simply, "Undue care is an intrusion into God’s arena."  If we truly believe Him at His word, we will see the wants and difficulties of life, but rest in the Truth that He already knows all of our tomorrows and is good and sovereign in all things and in all ways.

But the anxiety that "is characterized by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons for worry" is an illness.  My counselor calls this "catastrophizing", because when my anxiety was at its worst, my mind could create worry out of nothing and catapult that worry to an all consuming fear that some horrible tragedy was imminent.  For me, medication helped clear my mind enough that I could begin to process and work through my anxiety, learning tools to both prevent and stop the anxious thoughts from controlling me.  But, more importantly, healing was found when I began to lay it all at His feet, knowing that I could not do this alone and that I desperately needed Him.

I had Philippians 4:6-7 written on a note card and underlined in my bible during those dark days of PPD.  The beautiful hope of verse 7 was where I rested my weary head night after night and is the truth I continue to cling to day after day.  He wants us to cast all our cares on Him, knowing that He cares for us...but, even more, He offers us peace that surpasses understanding when we truly rest in Him.  This peace is found even in the most turbulent storms and most difficult trials of life, because it is a peace that can only come from Him.  David Guzik's commentary explains this kind of peace as "beyond 'all mind'...beyond our power of thinking".  It is not a peace that can be found in any thing or any one on this earth.  It is the peace of which John 14:27 says, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  As long as I live, I will never fully comprehend this kind of peace...nor will I ever be able to fully thank Him for graciously giving it to me.

The final truth reminder given in these verses is my favorite: that His peace will "guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus".  Matthew Henry explains that God's peace "will keep us from sinning under our troubles, and from sinking under them; keep us calm and sedate, without discomposure of passion, and with inward satisfaction".  I know I am human and I know that no matter how hard I try to do right, I still fail and fall so far short.  These words offer me so much hope, because it is a reminder that while I cannot overcome my worries and anxieties on my own, He can.  And so, just as Isaiah 26:3 says, when I keep my eyes stayed on Him and rest in His unfailing love and mercy, He will guard my heart and mind with perfect peace.  What a beautiful truth!

***

 This blog post is part of a series of posts I will be sharing on Sundays (or Mondays when I need to give myself grace on a busy weekend) during Session 2 of (in)courager community groups to encourage the women I am honored to be ministering to and leading in the Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression group.  Each week will include a Truth Reminder from His words that gives hope of healing and mending in the midst of postpartum depression.

 

{Broken & Mended} Truth Reminder: Isaiah 40:31

“But those who wait on the LORD 

Shall renew their strength; 

They shall mount up with wings like eagles, 

They shall run and not be weary, 

They shall walk and not faint.” 

(Isaiah 40:31)

I've heard this verse so many times, but often wondered what it really means to mount or soar like eagles.  Eagles have a very large wing span, so it takes a lot of energy to flap their wings.  According to scientists, Gerrard and Bortolotti, "The energy needed to maintain a bird in flat soaring or gliding flight is much less, perhaps a 20th or less the power needed for flapping.  Therefore, eagles will always choose to soar or glide when possible."  So, instead of trying to fly by its own strength or energy, an eagle uses the wind or air to soar.  In the same way, when we rest or wait on the Lord, we are using His strength to soar. 

I just love the image the eagle creates in this verse, because I know how often, like the eagle, it just takes too much energy to try to flap my own wings.  But, where an eagle will always choose to soar, too often I refuse, instead trying to use up my own energy, which is far less than what I need to really soar through life's trials and storms.  Matthew Henry says, "To those who are sensible of their weakness, and ready to acknowledge they have no might, God does in a special manner increase strength; for, when we are weak in ourselves, then are we strong in the Lord."  When I acknowledge my weaknesses, that is when I see just how strong He is and when I too can mount up with wings like eagles. 

It never ceases to amaze me how God reveals truths like this just when I need them.  It was three years ago, on the Monday before Easter, that my grandfather was taken by ambulance and the week that followed began the hardest journey of grief I've ever had to walk.  The one thing that carried me through that week and the flood of grief that continues to catch me off guard is the hope I have in truth reminders like this.  I know that His grace really is sufficient and that His power is made perfect in my weaknesses.  I will rejoice then, even in my weakness, for I know, as Isaiah 40:28 says, He is the everlasting God who does not faint or grow weary and that strength is mine by the blood of the lamb. 

*** 

 

This blog post is part of a series of posts I will be sharing on Sundays during Session 2 of (in)courager community groups to encourage the women I am honored to be ministering to and leading in the Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression group.  Each week will include a Truth Reminder from His words that gives hope of healing and mending in the midst of postpartum depression.

 

Five Minute Friday: Remember

The sun is streaming through the open windows.  We are cooped up in our winter cocoon, restless for spring to come and flowers to bloom.

My daughter, our little dancing queen, is dancing and singing to the beat of her own drum.  The world is her stage and she has a story to tell.

Her three year old brother, our little monkey, is climbing on top of the couch and jumping down onto the cushions, giggling and yelling "ooh! ooh! eee! eee!".

Our littlest one is rolling around on the floor, ready to take on all this world has for him to explore and discover.

As I watch and take in the chaos that is our home, this littlest begins to make his hunger cries.  I scoop him into my arms, whispering soothing words, and cradle him in my arms.

He latches on and begins to soak up the nourishment that is more than just food, but the love of a mother who has been broken and mended.

He is the gift of grace given by a God who loves me more than my mess.  He is the one who continues to heal my broken pieces.

As he nurses, the noises around me fade and I begin to remember.

Instead of the darkness that filled so many of those days, I remember the tiny glimpses of grace and the moments that took my breath away.

I remember my daughter's first steps, her smile wide and my smile wider.  I scooped her into my arms and swung her up in the air, kissing her silly, and praising her first steps, my belly swelling with both mother's pride and the newest little one growing in my womb.

I remember taking our son home from the hospital and the peace that surrounded me as I watched our daughter embrace her roll as big sister and praised the God who gave me not one, but two healthy children.

I remember laughter and joy, silly dances around the living room floor, tickle wars before bed, kisses and hugs a plenty, and a love I never knew I was missing until they made me a mother.

I remember cradling each of these too quickly spreading their wings children of mine in my arms as the nourished the same milk their littlest brother is enjoying now.  I remember how I loved those moments and how, no matter how dark my soul felt, in those moments I felt peace and a wholeness I had forgotten I knew.

These three have broken me, but they have also grown and mended me.  

And as I remember, I taste and see that He was, He is, and He will always be good.  

Linking up with Lisa-Jo and the community of Five Minute Friday writers.

 

{Bigger Picture Moments} Rejuvenate: Memories

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Memory is a funny thing.

Sometimes I remember the strangest details of an event years ago, like the food we were eating or the shirt I was wearing. 

But then there are events that my brain tries to forget, pushing them as far back in my memory bank as possible.  It's just too painful to remember. 

Until one little moment triggers that memory: a phone call, a smell, a bible verse, a song, a simple question, a medic helicopter in transport.  Suddenly, without warning, I am transported to that memory...and all the hurt and pain comes rushing back like a flash flood.

I have to stop to catch my breath or pick myself up off the floor, praying fervently for the anxiety that is triggered by the emotional trauma of those experiences to not hold me captive again. 

Because, the truth is?  I still have panic attacks.  They are fewer and far between, but they are still there, lurking under the surface in the disguise of a memory. 

I wake up in a sweat, my teeth clenched tight, throwing off the covers, and leaping out of bed.  Was that a real memory or an exaggerated nightmare? 

Sometimes I can't tell the difference between the two and for the rest of the day I am on the verge of tears, wrestling with my thoughts and fighting the constant battle to take captive my thoughts and think on these things instead. 

But I keep on fighting, because I know the One who promises victory and knows every one of these memories I can't seem to forget. 

I know there is One who holds every single tear I've cried in the palm of his blood-stained, nail-pierced hand. 

So I keep on looking up, standing firm in this faith, knowing that He is faithful to continue the work He has begun in me, one day and one broken piece at a time.



 

Linking up with Bigger Picture Blogs for this week's Bigger Picture Moment.

{Broken & Mended} Truth Reminders: Deuteronomy 31:6

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"Be strong and courageous.

Do not fear or be in dread of them, 

for it is the LORD your God 

who goes with you. 

He will not leave you or forsake you." 

(Deuteronomy 31:6)

The book of Deuteronomy contains the last words of Moses before his death.  He has led God's people out of Egypt, but, because of their disobedience, they have wandered in the dessert for forty years.  Moses begins his message by reminding them how God had loved and cared for them despite their disobedience.  He recounts what God has done as a testimony of His faithfulness to a new generation of people. 

Next, Moses reminds them of God's laws, lest they forget the commandments He has given them.  God wanted His people to remember to whom they belonged.  They were called to be set apart and they needed to hold onto His words as they faced the ungodliness of the land they were about to enter. 

Here, in chapter 31, Moses is concluding his message by both encouraging and warning God's people of the day's to come.  Moses would not be able to cross over into the promised land, but his last words of farewell are filled with promise as he reminds the people that, though there will be trouble to come, God is still their God. 

We too can "be strong and courageous" though storms may come, because the same God who lead His people out of Egypt, through the dessert, and into the promised land, goes with us.  I love how this verse says emphasizes that He is not just any god, but your God.  While Moses was speaking to the people God had chosen to be His, these words still hold true for us today, because, under the new covenant bought by the blood of Christ, He is also our God. 

Joshua 1:7 even adds to this phrase that the Lord your God "is with you wherever you go".  No matter what, wherever you go, whatever storm comes your way - the Lord your God is with you.  In Deuteronomy 7:18, Moses reminds God's people they need not fear because "you shall remember what the LORD your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt".  To make this promise even more powerful, I replace those words with the things God has done for me.  Come what may, I will not be afraid, because look what my God has done before!

The same God who put Pharaoh to shame, who parted the Red Sea, and who provided water and manna in the middle of the dessert leading His people to the promised land even after they disobeyed time and time again is the same God who promises to never leave or forsake me.  And He is the same God who will never leave or forsake you. 

Courage means "to show oneself strong", but, in the midst of life's hardest trials, it seems impossible to be strong when we are far from it.  But, when I am weak, He is strong.  And so, though I am weak, I can show myself strong, because He is.  Only in the Lord, may it be said of me that I am strong (Isaiah 45:24).  For I can only do all things through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). 

*** 

 

This blog post is part of a series of posts I will be sharing on Sundays during Session 2 of (in)courager community groups to encourage the women I am honored to be ministering to and leading in the Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression group.  Each week will include a Truth Reminder from His words that gives hope of healing and mending in the midst of postpartum depression.
 

{Broken & Mended} Truth Reminders: Psalm 39:7

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And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? 

My hope is in you. 

(Psalm 39:7)

The word "wait" here can also be translated as "hope, to look eagerly for, expect".  There are many waiting periods in life: waiting for a new baby to arrive, waiting for a new job, waiting for your wedding day, waiting for healing.  In every one of these times of waiting, it is easy to become frustrated and impatient, but, as the Psalmist reminds us in this verse, we need to fix our eyes on the one hope, the long-awaited, expectant One who will never disappoint.  When we put our hope in Him, no matter what we are waiting for in this life, He gives us the peace of trusting in a God who already knows the future and rest in the One who will lead us forward, one step at a time.

Another definition of the word "wait" here is "to be strong...for the notion of binding fast".   The idea of "binding fast" means to hold on securely to something, as with a prisoner who is bound fast so he cannot escape.  Hebrews 3:6 says, "But Christ as a son over his own house; whose house are we, if we hold fast the confidence and the rejoicing of the hope firm unto the end."  In other words, if we hold fast to the hope we have in Him, standing firm to the end, we can be secure and confident in His promises, because He is faithful and He never breaks His promises.   

Matthew Henry's commentary says, "We cannot reckon upon constant health and prosperity, nor upon comfort in any relation; for it is all as uncertain as our continuance here." Though the world will disappoint us, He will never let us down.  I love how Meredith Andrews' song "Not For A Moment"

(which literally just started playing on the radio as I was typing this) explains this:

You were reaching the storm

Walking on the water

Even when I could not see

In the middle of it all

When I thought You were a thousand miles away

Not for a moment did You forsake me

Not for a moment did You forsake me

After all You are constant

After all You only good

After all You are sovereign

Not for a moment did You forsake me

Not for a moment will You forsake me

As I struggled through the darkest days of my PPD, I held onto this verse, reminding myself that, even when it was hard to see the "end" in sight and even when I wondered if I really would ever be okay, He would be faithful to heal me.  I trusted in Him, even when it was hard, holding fast to the hope I had in Him, because I knew He would not let me down.  And now, even when the darkness threatens again, I remember all the storms He has brought me through in my life and stand firm, strong in the truth of His words and in the strength of the God who sent His son to suffer and die for me.   

*** 

 

This blog post is part of a series of posts I will be sharing on Sundays during Session 2 of (in)courager community groups to encourage the women I am honored to be ministering to and leading in the Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression group.  Each week will include a Truth Reminder from His words that gives hope of healing and mending in the midst of postpartum depression.  

 

{Bigger Picture Moments} Rejuvenate: Even If

Photo credit: rwangsa

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I've been.

 I know: I am not defined by my past, but part of healing from the past is to see where I've been. 

 And as I look at where I've been, I see what God has done.

He is the God who heals and the God who restores...and the God who makes all things new.

The more I embrace His mending work in me, the more I see that He has never forsaken me and that His grace has been there all along, even when I couldn't see it.

Sometimes, waking up and feeding my soul with His life-breathing truth is more of a chore.  I open His words and read, but the words seem lifeless and the fire of desire and hunger for Him lies dormant, but still I come.

I seek Him even when it's hard and even when I don't want to.

Because I know that those seeds of truth will not come up void.

When the darkness was heaviest and the storms were strongest, I kept on reading, studying, and seeking.  I got out of bed for one day more even when my body protested.

Because I knew the storms would one day calm and the raindrops would give way to rainbows.

And He was faithful, even when I doubted and even when I continued to break.  He carefully picked up my broken pieces and quietly began His mending work, even when I couldn't see through the flood of tears.

So now, even if the forecast threatens and the storms loom, I know I will be okay.

I know: even if the darkness shadows again, the same God who brought me through once will carry me out again.  

And with that simple truth, my soul finds rest, rejuvenated by the painful memories of days that once held me captive.

The darkness may come, but His power is strong enough to calm any storm and mend any broken pieces.

Linking up with Bigger Picture Blogs for this week's Bigger Picture Moments.

 

Guest Post: My PPD Story {Kerry}

 photo source

How in the world did my life end up this way? I had once had everything going for me. I was doing
well heading into my second year college, and was finally living out of the shadow of my parents and
two older sisters-I was finally learning to be ME. Then I met this guy…Isn’t it funny how that simple
statement changes a life forever? So, I met this guy, and one thing led to another, and I ended up
pregnant at 19 and married shortly thereafter. I dropped out of college to be a wife and mother. I loved
being both to “my guys”!

A couple of years later found me pregnant again. And, again my life changed. I was sick from day one
with this pregnancy. Then I lost my job. Then Thanksgiving and Christmas came and I indulged, after all
I was eating for two! By the time my due date came in June, I was feeling like a whale and I was totally
exhausted being a mom & wife. This labor and delivery was totally different than my first. It lasted
almost twice as long as the first, and there was no relief in sight for the pain. By the time I conceded
to having an epidural, it was too late. A few hours later, my beautiful daughter lay in my arms. I was
overjoyed, relieved and sad all at the same time.

Two weeks later, I knew I was in serious trouble. I didn’t want to be a mom. I couldn’t do this. I was
exhausted and sleep deprived. I had been trying to breastfeed my daughter, but it wasn’t working. She
cried nearly non-stop. On top of that, I had my wisdom teeth taken out, had a bad reaction to the pain
medicine, and ended up having my mom take the kids for a few days so I could get better. I had failed.
I felt like I had let down my husband and kids. It seemed like I could FEEL my mom & mother in law’s
looks of “I told you so”.

It wasn’t until several years later that I realized that I suffered from Post-Partum Depression. Looking
back I should have known…I should have seen the warning signs. But, it happens so subtly and creeps
up on you so slowly that you aren’t aware that anything is wrong until it’s almost too late.

I didn’t have a support system in my husband. First of all he was gone with work all the time, and
second of all, he just didn’t understand. Neither did my mom. My mother in law did, but she was busy
with her own problems at home. She just wasn’t physically or emotionally able to help. Help never
came from within my family. Help came in the form of a stranger.

After my OB/GYN retired, I was assigned to a Nurse/Practioner. She saved my life. She actually took the
time to LISTEN. She was the first one to diagnose and treat my depression and anxiety, and was also the
first one to realize that I had more serious health problems. Just before my 30th birthday, I ended up
having a complete hysterectomy. And she was there to help me through that too. Initially I started off
on anti-depressants, but knew I didn’t want to be on them long-term. She completely understood, and
offered alternatives to medication. I learned to take care of myself better, take time for myself, and not
set standards and goals for myself that are unachievable. Although she is no longer in the area, she gave
me the foundation for living life again. And she taught me that all those years ago, I HADN’T failed. She
gave me my life and laughter back.

***

Kerry is a mom of two teenage children and wife of over 19 years.  She teaches and works in the office at her kid's school, a small Christian school that is a ministry of the church her family attends.  She is also the fundraiser coordinator for the school, which includes countless hours planning and collecting donations for the annual school auction.  Stephanie met Kerry six years ago while teaching Kerry's children at the same school and attending the same church.  They've been friends since, meeting for coffee dates and encouraging each other through some of life's hardest storms. 

***

This post is part of a series of guest posts called My PPD Story that are part of my ministry with (in)courage in leading an (in)courager community group called Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression.  Several brave moms have graciously offered to share their stories in this space to raise awareness about postpartum depression and help other moms know they are not alone.  If you are struggling with PPD, please check out this website for some amazing resources to get you the help you need, because there is hope and healing is possible. 


 

{Broken & Mended} Truth Reminders: Isaiah 61:1-3

 Photo credit: Arman Zhenikeyev

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, 

because the LORD has annointed me 

to bring good news to the poor; 

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 

to proclaim liberty to the captives, 

and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, 

and the day of vengeance of our God; 

to comfort all who mourn;

 to grant to those who mourn in Zion-- 

to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, 

the oil of gladness instead of mourning, 

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; 

that they may be called oaks of righteousness, 

the planting of the LORD, 

that He may be glorified.

(Isaiah 61:1-3)

Jesus opened the scroll in the synagogue in Luke 4 and read this Scripture, declaring that "this day is this scripture fulfilled in your ears" (verse 17).  The Truth of these words paints a beautiful picture of how God planned to redeem a lost world.  When Jesus spoke them in the synagogue that day, all the people wondered at how He, born a man to a mere carpenter, could make such a lofty claim.  But God knew and He had been preparing His way long before those words were even penned on a page. 

The very words of this Scripture answer the questions the people had in the synagogue that day.  Jesus made such a lofty claim, because God had sent Him and His Spirit was upon Him.  According to Matthew Henry's commentary, "This is a great satisfaction to us, that, whatever Christ said, he had a warrant from heaven for; his doctrine was not his, but his that sent him." He was not just another prophet.  He was the One God had been preparing the way for, the long awaited Messiah.

The reason He sent His Son never ceases to take my breath away.  He did not come simply to do battle against Rome and set Himself on an earthly throne.  No, He came for the poor, the brokenhearted, and the captives.  As Psalm 34:18 says, "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." To those who are humble and meek before a mighty God, He offers healing and salvation.  Psalm 51:17 goes on to say that "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

God knows our brokenness, because we are a fallen world.  And still He loves and He cares for us with an everlasting, unfailing love.  I love what Matthew Henry says about how He comforts those who mourn.  "There is enough in him to comfort all who mourn, whatever their sore or sorrow is."  Not only will He comfort the mourners, but He will also turn their sorrow into joy.  No more have I seen this Truth laid out in my own life than in my own PPD story, because, though I was broken and wounded, He healed and brought me victory, and He has turned my ashes to beauty by using my story over and over to reach more women in their brokenness with the same Hope and healing He has given me.  

If you're reading these words today and you are in the midst of your own mourning and brokenness, my prayer is that His words would give you hope that He can turn your sorrow into joy and that one day your mourning will be turned to dancing.  As Luke 12:6-7 says, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."

***

This blog post is part of a series of posts I will be sharing on Sundays during Session 2 of (in)courager community groups to encourage the women I am honored to be ministering to and leading in the Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression group.  Each week will include a Truth Reminder from His words that gives hope of healing and mending in the midst of postpartum depression.  

Guest Post: My PPD Story {Erica}

 
Breathing My New:

3 Things I Wish I Would Have Known About PPD

1. Passing the PPD screening survey at your 6 week visit does not mean that you are free and clear.

I was considered high risk for PPD because of my history with cyclothymia (a mild bipolar disorder), however I had experienced Healing from that and had been medication and symptom free for almost 2 years at the point of my first postpartum experience. Slowly facing the questions on those sheets of paper, I became terrified that I was going to fail the test being laid out before me; that I would become broken again; that my Healing would slip away. I remember skewing my answers with just enough rationality to escape medication, which in my eyes at the time, meant not failing as a first time mom; failing at living free of a depressive grip; failing at living up to societal and church culture expectations of what a ‘good’ mom, a ‘Christian’ mom should look like. Yes, I know it wasn’t actually a test. However, not passing led me to believe that I would be less than; that I had not prayed hard enough; that I was not Favored.

2. No matter how fast you run, PPD can still catch you.

After I escaped diagnosis after my first child, I kinda thought that I was free and clear for the next, and the next and the next because I had figured out how to trick the system. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was always very clued in to symptoms to be watching for. Yet also notice that I said ‘escaped diagnosis’. I knew that I was running from the truth and I knew that that truth was going to catch me, it was just a matter of time. That time came after my fourth child, which also happened to be stacked up with moving across the country and my husband returning to full time work for the first time in nearly 5 years. As it turns out, THAT would be the combination that slowed me down enough for PPD to not only catch up with me, but jump on my back in a full tackle to take. me. down. It wasn’t real pretty, friends. A new city with no friends, no family, no church and no insurance to get help. The aloneness. The quiet. The exhaustion. Yes. All of that. And as the days turned into weeks that turned into months, I finally realized I needed a plan. Not only had I fallen into the deep, the water was rushing in all around me and my air was starting to escape.

3. Alone in silence or extreme busyness are never the paths toward the light.

My 4th dance with PPD was by far the most severe and intense. Given our new living circumstances, I was navigating the darkness without a flashlight. Many times, anxiety would take the lead until I fiercely coached it to the side. I became intensely determined to create lifelines for when I needed to pull the ripcord. My nature is to simply fill the time and space to stay distracted enough that I don’t have to deal with the reality spinning around me. Even if that time is filled with really excellent things, it does not change the core of my life; the darkness does not go away because I’m not acknowledging it. I find it to be quite counterproductive to my healing. Instead, I chased down authentic, transparent community and released myself from the constraints of relational obligation that I had been feeling suffocated by. I surrounded myself with people and blogs and Pinterest pins and recipes and ideas that filled me with pure joy. I could finally breathe again and the air was pure and refreshing. And as I continued to breathe the new air, it slowly became less labored. It required less thought. It became my New.

***

Erica Guthaus is a God fearing, unschooling, culinary loving, Holy Spirit filled, urban missionary, wife and mom of 4 ridiculously cool kids-3 daughters ages 7, 5 & 1 and one 3 year old son. Born and raised in Southwest Michigan, she currently resides in Central Florida embracing the imperfectly perfect of this life and all that it is. She blogs in sporadic bursts at www.thisisthegootfam.com

This post is part of a series of guest posts called My PPD Story that are part of my ministry with (in)courage in leading an (in)courager community group called Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression.  Several brave moms have graciously offered to share their stories in this space to raise awareness about postpartum depression and help other moms know they are not alone.  If you are struggling with PPD, please check out this website for some amazing resources to get you the help you need, because there is hope and healing is possible. 

 

Bigger Picture Moments: Wonder-Working Power

Most days, I know I am better, but there are still days when motherhood overwhelms and I feel the panic rising again.  Those are the days that I catch a glimpse of how deep I had fallen into the darkness and it scares me.  I never want to go back there.

Yesterday was one of those days.  It always happens when everything seems to pile up.  My husband usually takes the big kids to church on Wednesday nights while I sit at home in the quiet nursing, nursing, nursing, because my littlest one only wants his mommy.  Last night, he had two conference calls for work, so he told me I would need to drive them there and back.

After lunch, I settled the kids down for nap, but it wasn't long before my littlest one woke up crying.  I waited to see if he would settle himself back to sleep, but the crying only magnified so I cradled him in my arms, curled up in the curve of my shoulders and rocked him until we both fell asleep.  I woke up to the sounds of the big kids begging me for a snack and realized it was almost dinner time already.

I got them a snack one-handed while I continued cradling our littlest one still half asleep in my arms and started preparing dinner before settling down on the couch to nurse him.  I tried to relax and let the moment wash me over with a calmness and peace I knew I would need for the night ahead, but I couldn't keep my eyes off the clock.  My mind started reeling with the list of all that needed to be done in the next 24 hours and I could feel the high alert of anxiety stealthily taking over my mind.

My husband walked in the door with barely an hour to spare before church and I handed off all three kids so I could rush out the door for a few grocery needs.  I hurried through the grocery store, rushed back home, and barely caught my breath before the phone rang.  It was our realtor calling about putting our house back on the market after our first failed attempt to sell and my husband took the call leaving me to feed the kids, pack them all in the van, and drive over to church.

One look at the clock and I was headed down that road.  The tears came like a hurricane wind and the fear kept me locked in memories of those days.  My husband got off the phone in time to drive the kids in the van while I followed behind with the car, shaking with tears that wouldn't stop and a fear I couldn't control.

"I can't go back there, Lord.  I just can't.  I'm so afraid.  Why do I have to be this way?" I prayed to the One who knew my fears before I even realized they were still there.

I opened the door of the car, wiped away the tears, and let the cold air wash over me one step at a time as I walked over to the van.  My husband walked the kids to their class and climbed next to me in the dark, quiet of the van.

"Every time I get overwhelmed like this, I'm so afraid I will go back there..." I barely whispered out loud.

He held me tight and whispered back reminders of how far I had come and that it would be okay.  Somehow, I composed myself enought to hoist the infant car seat out of the van and make my way to the church nursery so I could nurse our littlest one before his hunger cries got any louder. 

As I nursed him, he stared up at me with his bright blue eyes only to melt me with the sweetest toothless grin the moment he grabbed my full attention.  I couldn't not smile back and as I smiled I remembered that I am not who I once was and that God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power and love and self control.

I laid him down on the floor for a diaper change and as his smiles washed me over with the peace I needed, a friend walked in the room.  One look at me and she knew.  She sat down across from me and massaged my hand as I poured out my heart, listening and loving the way only a friend who has seen me through the storms can do. 

Later that night, as I helped the big kids get ready for bed while daddy finished up his second conference call, a song came to my heart.  I listened as the words of truth filled me with hope and a grace that is more than sufficient for all my needs and laughed as my husband began to dance with our middle son who was singing the words just as loudly as me. 

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the blood of the Lamb

There is power, power, wonder-working power

In the precious blood of the Lamb

I fell asleep breathing a prayer of thanks for the God who knows and loves and cares and whose wonder-working power is mine to overcome whatever tomorrow brings because of the precious blood of the Lamb.

Linking up with Hyacynth for this week's Bigger Picture Moments.

 

 

Guest Post: My PPD Story {Amanda}

Post-Partum Depression. I didn’t have that. I simply was feeling blue. I’ve done this delivery/baby thing four times before, I could handle anything. Besides, my doctor thought I was super mom. I couldn’t disappoint her. What would my family think? My friends? I’m a Christian I “shouldn’t” feel this way.

“This way” was how I felt. I just felt like I was standing still and the world was moving on around me. I drudged through each day because it was what I was supposed to do. I plastered a smile on my face as best as I thought I could. I secluded myself to home and stayed up late watching Full House DVDs because I couldn’t sleep. My kids survived because my husband came home from work each day and picked up my slack. I was not the mom or wife I was supposed to be. I was just living through each day as best as I could.

I clung to God. I begged for Him to change me. I cast all my cares on Him. Yet I didn’t want to admit I had a problem. I clung to the stigma that as a Christian, it’s just IMPOSSIBLE to be depressed. I have the joy of the LORD! in me. Looking back, I never “lost” the joy. The joy of the Lord was in my heart the entire time…I just was allowed a trial to walk through, all while the Lord held me up and saw me through.

It took me talking to a few new friends over the course of a few months and simply sharing that I wasn’t feeling quite right and the looks on their faces to get me investigating just WHAT PPD was. My baby was already four months old, and I was long past the “baby blues” stage. I was SURE I didn’t have PPD, though. Until I read the signs and symptoms. Until I could check off almost every sign. But STILL my doctor thought I was super-mom. I couldn’t go in and tell her how I felt. My friend looked at me and said, “sister, that’s pride talkin’.”

Those words were my “kick in the pants”. I set aside my pride. I bravely picked up the phone, and said the words…”I think I have post-partum depression.” I set up an appointment to meet with my doctor and as she sat with me and talked for way longer than my appointment was scheduled for…I realized, I’m getting help. I’m really going to be okay. It’s OKAY TO FEEL THIS WAY!! There is NOTHING wrong with me!

As I told my husband the words, I have post-partum depression; he looked at me with love in his eyes and held me in his arms. A few weeks later he looked at me again, and spoke the words that pierced my heart with joy…You’re SMILING again. Neither of us had realized I lost it, but to have found it again…made me so happy.

I took my prescription meds for a few months before I decided I could try life without them. I know that I couldn’t have made it to the place I was without the meds, but was also relieved that I didn’t “need” them to be me anymore. I was ME again!!

As I revealed my “secret” I found so many more people willing to share with me THEIR OWN BATTLES with PPD. So many people that I had known, but yet not known their secret battles. It made me realize that I didn’t want others to be ashamed (as I had been) to admit they had PPD. If you talk to me long enough, I’m bound to share with you the battles I struggled with during the fall of 2010 ((and the spring/summer of 2009 as I went through 2 miscarriages that resulted in a battle with depression I hadn’t noticed until after)) I share my story, so that others know that they’re normal. PPD isn’t a journey that we intend on taking. But for whatever reason, we’re called to take. And it’s a journey that I’m so thankful to have had. Because God has been using me in ways I could have never imagined…all because of a three letter acronym, PPD.

***

I’m Amanda. A Jesus lover. 
A wife to my high school sweetheart. 
A homeschooling momma to five precious babies here on earth 
and three more waiting for us in heaven. 
And a blogger {sporadically} at "popp"ing out one letter at a time.

This post is part of a series of guest posts called My PPD Story that are part of my ministry with (in)courage in leading an (in)courager community group called Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression.  Several brave moms have graciously offered to share their stories in this space to raise awareness about postpartum depression and help other moms know they are not alone.  If you are struggling with PPD, please check out this website for some amazing resources to get you the help you need, because there is hope and healing is possible.