Wordless Wednesday: 31 Years

 

Just Write: One Last Time

Photo taken with Instagram (mom2vanda)

Last night, my husband cuddled up next to me on the couch.

"Talk to me, please?" he said.

My mind was a mess of thoughts, but I couldn't seem to put words to them.

How do I put into words the memories locked deep inside a heart that is still aching one loss, two losses, now three?

It always seems unfair when the world keeps going while our hearts are still grieving.

The world seems to stop the day a loved one dies and for the days leading up to a funeral.

Friends send prayers and love.  Family gathers together to hold each other tight.  Words don't need to be spoken, just a simple hug, an understanding glance.  

I walk into the church, preparing myself to bury the third grandparent in three years.

And it all comes back to me...

walking down the halls to my grandpa's bed side, watching him struggle to stay awake, hearing the nurses and doctors rushing about with concern as his oxygen levels drop without warning...

the phone call from my sister telling me to hurry back, hearing the words "he's dying" for the first time...

holding his hand, whispering words of love...

one last time.

I hear the phone ring and I remember the day my mom found my grandma lying on the bathroom floor, confused and disoriented.

And it all comes back to me...

the days of waiting, the gaining hope one day and losing it the next, the family flying in from all over, walking down the same hall way and a road we've walked before...

the phone call from my dad as we prepared a Christmas dinner we never got to eat...

holding her hand, whispering words of love...

one last time.

The text messages from my mom are still there, telling me great grandma was failing, plans for hospice were already in place, and it was time to stay another goodbye.

Holding her hand, whispering words of love...

seeing her smile and the light of recognition in her eyes as I walked in the room...

watching her hug my husband close and telling him she was so glad he was there...

hearing her talk about my little ones and knowing how much she loved them...

kissing her forehead, watching her struggle, saying goodbye, and somehow finding the strength to walk away...

one last time.

It never gets easier...and the memories pile on top of one another in a continuous, never-ending journey of grieving.

The only hope I have is found in this: no matter what heartbreak comes my way, Jesus is enough, more than enough.  

These three empty pieces of my heart will always ache and can never be replaced or filled...here on earth.  But there will come a day when all my tears will be wiped away and will be no more.  

"In the world you will have tribulation. 

But take heart; I have overcome the world." 

(John 16:33)

There is no valley, 

there is no darkness 

there is no sorrow 

greater than the grace of Jesus.  

There is no moment, 

there is no distance,  

there is no heartbreak 

He can't see you through.

(Point of Grace, There Is Nothing Greater Than Grace)

 Linking up with Heather for her weekly free writing exercise, Just Write.


 

Goodbye, Great Grandma

Today, the world lost a beautiful woman. Goodbyes never do get easier. My heart aches today as my mind and heart are flooded with memories. She lived 96 full and wonderful years, but she will be forever missed in the lives of those who loved and were loved.

 
This photo is where my heart is today...not only missing this truly great grandma I've been blessed to have a part of my life, but missing the two grandparents who have gone before her. There are three gaping holes in my heart that can never be replaced.

 

Great Grandma

It's a road I've traveled before, but it doesn't seem to get any easier each time. 

They said it's time...to say goodbye, to let her go...and I know they are right, but it's still hard. 

I hate goodbyes. 

Tonight, I sat at her bedside, holding her hand, stroking her hair, and simply loving on a woman who's lived a long, beautiful life. 

She looked into my eyes, begging me to keep holding her hand, a twinkle in her eye as she recognized first me, then my husband, and finally our little ones.

She asked me when our littlest one is due and remembered the trauma of our first two birth experiences, wishing us well even in the midst of her own pain. 

She told me it was so good to see me and I knew, just looking deep into her eyes, how much she loves me and those who are blessed to know her well. 

The longer I sat, holding her hand, leaning in to hear her voice, the weaker she became.  Her shoulders slumped, her eyes heavy, her body weary of this life. 

I had been torn between rushing to her bedside less than an hour earlier, wanting to say goodbye one last time but wanting to remember her more full of life. 

But I just couldn't stay away.  I needed to be there, to love on her one last time. 

And now, I am tired, weary of the pain, the suffering, the trials, the struggles we must face in this world. 

I know God is near and I know the comfort of His words, but sometimes the only thing I can do is fall tear-stained at His feet. 

And that's exactly where He meets me, because He knows too that death was never meant to be.  It is an awful, horrible part of this sinful, fallen world and it simply hurts. 

For now, she is holding on, but the end is near.  And my heart is simply breaking. 

Joy Dare: He Knows ME

Photo credit: wili_hybrid

This morning, I read these words of Truth:

 "O LORD, you have searched me and known me! 

You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar."  

(Psalm 139:1-2)

I was struck by this reminder that He not only created me and numbered my days, but that He also knows and cares about the little details of my life from my coming to my going, my sitting to my rising.

And, even more so, He knows my thoughts while they are still out of reach for me.  Matthew Henry puts it so beautifully when he explains, "Though my thoughts be ever so foreign and distant from one another, thou understandest the chain of them, and can make out their connexion, when so many of them slip my notice that I myself cannot". 

A few weeks ago, a friend shared this verse with me, "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" (Psalm 56:8)

Today, as I continue to count His gifts, I am most thankful that I serve a Father who understands me more than anyone else on earth ever could.

***

127. News from the radiologist that my sweet friend, Kim, will not have to deliver her baby early. 


128. This truth: that though circumstances and trials be out of our control, it is always Him who goes before you. So, let your heart take courage and wait for the Lord, who is great and awesome and faithful. (Deuteronomy 31:6)


129. A mom who takes time out of her busy schedule to help me clean and ready our house for selling. 


130. A very, very clean house and a for sale sign as we look to the future.


131. My beautiful pregnant sister and the sweet baby girl growing healthy and strong in her womb.


132. A husband who reminds me that beauty is more than my outward appearance and who daily affirms that I am beautiful. 


133. The privilege and joy of raising the next generation and being more than just a mom to these little ones. 


134. This fallen world is not my home; I await the joyful hope of my citizenship in heaven and the transforming of this dying body into its glorious heavenly form. (Philippians 3:20-21)


135. I am not perfect, but I am enough. 


136. Sweet fellowship with friends who speak truth in love and words that are sweeter than honey...and that we were made for community, to encourage and build each other up.


137. Conversations between my little ones and watching a lifetime of friendship unfold. 


138. A gluten free cookie recipe that my husband, who enjoys a good gluten-filled dessert, calls "pretty good, babe". 


139. The blessing of MOPS and the group of women who have welcomed me with open arms and caring hearts. 


140. Doctors and nurses who care for our daughter's wound, stitches that heal, and a brave little girl who says after all she's endured, "I feel better now, mommy!".  


141. Shifting the focus from "two-piece swimsuits and skinny jeans to healthy heart, healthy body mass and healthy thoughts". 


142. This truth reminder for my tender, aching heart: "I’m loved, I really can do this. I’m chosen for a purpose."


143. Teaching my little ones to take care of our home and hearing them say, "I help you, mommy!" with joy and anticipation.


144. Laughter and sweet fellowship on a much needed mom's night out. 


145. His love that never fails, never gives up, and never runs out on me.


146. Cleaning and getting rid of more stuff - so freeing!


147. Knowing that my labor in the Lord is not in vain and that it is more than worth it to persevere and remain steadfast in my walk.  (1 Corinthians 15:58)


148. Celebrating nurses week by remembering the amazing NICU nurses who cared for our little ones so tenderly and compassionately. 


149. This beautiful love story and the reminder that love is a daily choice we make to put the needs of our loved one before our own. 


150. The tot spot at our local grocery store and kids who are excited to play while mommy grocery shops alone.


151. The Word of God that always proves true against all the lies the world throws my way.  (Psalm 18:30-32)


152. A much needed social media break and the time spent soaking up His truths and gaining a clearer perspective. 


153. "That motherhood is both the hardest and most magnificent thing you will ever do." 


154. Sharing the love of babywearing with other expectant mommas and learning more to better equip me for babywearing our littlest one. 


155. These mother's day words of love from my sisters: "Happy mothers day to the best mommy of THREE!" and "Happy mothers day :) you have some pretty lucky kids!".


156. A day "off" from mothering to enjoy a Brewers/Cubs game with my sisters, brothers, and cousins. 


157. Coming home to hand picked wildflowers and handmade cards from my little blessings and love from the three people who make my life more complete. 


158. A hubby who blessed me with the day off and is my biggest cheerleader on the hard mothering days. So thankful to have him by my side to journey this road of parenting together. It's a crazy, challenging life, but it is SO worth it.


159. Missing my sweet grandma on Mother's Day, but remembering the beautiful legacy she left and the family who carries pieces of her into the future.  


160. I am not perfect, but I press on to the perfection He promises in heaven because He has made me His own. (Philippians 3:12)


161. Being held safe and secure in the arms of the One who only allows what will build me up and mold me into the woman He desires me to be, not for my glory, but for His.  


162. Friends who remind me of His truth spoken in love and who join me in faithful prayer.


163. I will not shrink back and be destroyed when trials and struggles overwhelm, because I have a greater hope and nothing can separate me from His love.  


164. Finally feeling well enough to begin exercising again and discovering a new exercise routine that works for this pregnant momma.  


165. Connecting with a group of men and women who understand my gluten intolerance and the wealth of knowledge and resources gleaned from the local support group meeting.  


166. Discovering a $10 bill while cleaning out our bedroom closet.


167. Feeling more frequent and definite kicks from this littlest one in my womb - the coolest feeling ever.  


168. Though trials and tribulation may about in this world, I can take heart because HE has overcome the world (John 16:33)


169. Overhearing my daughter tenderly care for her brother, "Aw, yeddo, you got hurt. Wanna sleep on the couch...and I tuck you in?" Sometimes, as much as mommy wants to run and comfort even the little bumps and bruises, it's so precious to watch these two comfort each other.


170. "There's something so powerful about the friendships you can touch and see and feel." (Holley Gerth) So, so thankful for the friends God has placed in my life to dance with me in the moments of joy and cry with me in the moments of pain. ""When we're with people in the skin...it can really add richness to our lives." (Bonnie Gray)


171. When God reaches me with His word right where I am. I needed this today. Contentment does not come from wealth, success, health, or possessions, but from the feet of Christ, in wholly depending on Him, for when I am weak, He is strong and His grace is always sufficient. (Philippians 4:11-13)


172. Saying goodbye to sweet friends, but knowing that God has great plans in store for them and that they are obediently following Him exactly where He would have them be.


173. Cheering on our favorite mountain biker despite a rainy, muddy race day.


174. This quote from Matthew Henry's commentary about the importance of prayer and calling to God in our distress: "a good man is made up of prayer and gives himself to prayer".


175. That God, ultimately, overrules human sin and the effects of it. Not that He is the author of sin, but that He is in control of the events and directs the chain effects of human sin, not to make sin less punishable, but to further elevate His name to the praise and glory of the One who is over all.


176. Sunshine, bike rides, playgrounds, and picnics enjoyed with two sweet little ones and the steady pitter patter of the littlest one in my womb.


177. A 20 week ultrasound that revealed a healthy and ever growing baby BOY.


178. Waking up to a little monkey in my belly pitter-pattering away and another little monkey crawling all over our bed giggling. I couldn't help but smile - I'll take early mornings just to wake up to this happiness.


179. Date night with my love by his suggestion and parents who are more than happy to spend time with their grandkids.


180. A day at the beach chasing the waves and building sand castles with my loves.


181. Freedom, both in this land of the free and home of the brave (and for the men and women who sacrifice daily to keep it so) and in the redemption of my soul and the hope of eternal life in heaven.


182. Hearing our little ones memorize His words and encouraging their hearts to follow after Him.


183.  Long afternoon naps.


184. Grocery shopping in the early morning before my hubby leaves for work - so quiet and peaceful.


185. Beautiful maternity photos taken by a sweet friend.


186. The many rich and beautiful marriages that have encouraged and blessed my husband and I in our own marriages.


187. Singing hymns with my kids and hearing them say, "again, mommy! sing God song again!". 


188. The privilege to vote and have my voice heard. 


189. Celebrating 20 years since my baby brother joined our family and made it complete.


190. Overheard from my daughter, "And I love mommy too. Cuz I do!" And then my heart melted.


191. Baby shower festivities, the blessing of family, and the anticipation of our precious niece.

 

 

Project 52: Made With Love

This week's theme was Made With Love.  I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to photograph until I thought about the doilies I had stored away that were handmade by my great grandma and the beautiful photos I finally found a way to display in our home that say LOVE to me.  There are so many little pieces in these photos that say Made With Love to me.  

Linking up with Darcy of My 3 Boybarians for one photo each week for a year.

Two Become One

"This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, dream with, and love."

CONGRATULATIONS

Maxx & Kelly Handy

Project Life 2011: Week 15-16

We went out to dinner with my dad, mom, grandma, and brothers to celebrate DJ's 22nd birthday tonight. Almanzo is such a little entertainer - he loved giggling with his uncles and charming us all with his babble.

The sun was out today, so we took advantage of the warmer spring weather by playing outside for a while. I love this profile photo of my Sweet Pea. She's growing up SO fast!

The kids and I made a surprise visit to see my Great Grandma today. My kids are 2 of her 15 great-great grandchildren - what a blessing!

The kids and I enjoyed a lazy day at home today. I just love this picture of the three of us.

Today we met our newest nephew, Danny. He is such a sweet baby!

The kids always have a silly time before bed time. Tonight, they decided to climb inside the pots and pans cupboard. Valerie was giggling as Almanzo closed the cupboard door while she was inside.

We stopped at the bike shop tonight so Ted could try out some new road bike shoes and the kids had a blast running around yelling "bike! bike!". I love how my little man is posing in front of one of the bikes in the window display.

Tonight, the kids both decided to jump on top of me and start a tickle war. We were laughing so hard! When I finally escaped their tickles, Valerie climbed up on my lap and gave me a BIG hug.

Today, my friend, Mellie, dropped her three little ones off for her grocery shopping day. I set up a little fort in the living room and the five little ones had a blast climbing in and out of it.

Today, my friend, Kim, watched our little ones all afternoon so I could work on some sewing I needed to get done. I dropped them off just before lunch and then called my hubby to see what he was doing for lunch. We decided to have a lunch date at a little bagel place downtown. It was so fun to have some unexpected time to spend together.

Tonight my sweet hubby gave me the night off to enjoy a Brewers game with my brothers, sisters, and cousins. It was so much fun to spend the entire evening with all of my siblings.

We've been trying (without success so far) to potty train miss V. In the process, our little man decided he wanted in on the "fun" so he begged me to sit him on the potty. He sat there reading his little book for at least five minutes - too cute!

Our two little ones in their Sunday best for Easter Sunday - they were quite probably the cutest kids around. ;)

Valerie loves to take my dress shoes out of our closet and walk around the house listening to the sound it makes when she walks in them. Sometimes, she'll even carry a little purse and tell me "bye...I go!"

Project Life 2011: Week 10 & 11

Valerie loves to color and today she started to teach her brother how to color too. It was so funny watching her be a little teacher, telling him where to color and yelling at him when he didn't color in the lines. Surprisingly, he put up with her demands very well...for all of five minutes before they were fighting again...but at least they were peaceful for five minutes! ;) (And, yes, I was too lazy to put clothes on them, but they had just gotten out of the bath tub anyways.)




That face, my friends, spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E...




Who knew helping daddy shred paper could be so much fun?




Valerie climbed out of the tub during bath time today and the closest thing she found to a towel was the bath rug (probably because the laundry has become a MOUNTAIN lately). So, she wrapped herself up in it and ran over to me giggling. Also, that look she is giving me spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.




I love mornings when my little ones wake up late, cuddle up on the couch, and quietly watch their Praise Baby DVD while I make breakfast. Also, I can't get enough of their sweet smiles.




I looked out the back window this morning and saw little blossoms budding on one of the trees in the backyard. I was so excited to see this little sign that spring IS coming. While dinner was cooking tonight, I grabbed my camera and ran outside to take a picture. (And I am super pleased at how this picture turned out - straight out of the camera capture taken in manual mode.)




Valerie picked out this dress to wear this morning and was so excited to have "pretties" put in her hair. She looked so grown up I almost cried. When I asked her to smile for a picture, she turned her back and said "No!".




Valerie loves to play with stickers, so, when I noticed the bunch of bananas I bought had several, I gave the stickers to her at snack time. She thought it was funny to stick them all over herself - silly girl!




The weather was finally nicer out this week, so I decided to take the kids outside. They had so much fun running from corner to corner on our block. It was SO good to be outside and enjoy some sunshine.




Today I did my first engagement photo shoot for my sister, Kelly, and her fiance, Maxx. We did the photo shoot at Lakeside Park just before sunset and I played around with the manual settings on my camera for the first time. This is my favorite photo of the day. I love how Kelly's beautiful blue eyes just pop in this picture and the lighting was so perfect.




We visited with my family today and the kids were completely wild. My brother gave them a balloon and they were running around chasing after it...and fighting over it. This photo was taken right after Almanzo full-body-tackled Valerie. Oh, the sibling rivalry...




Another glimpse of spring...to chase away the winter blues.