All Things New

 
I am so ready for spring.  As a Midwestern girl, this time of year is really hard.  The dark and cold of winter just seems to never end and I find myself dragging my feet to get out of bed...when I would really just rather stay there and hibernate until the sun shines and the grass is green again. 

As I read the words of Isaiah 43:19 today, I couldn't help wondering if the Israelites doubted God's promise that spring would really come.  It's so hard to believe every little thing is going to be okay, when you're stuck in the middle of a cold, dark winter.  Waiting is not my strong suit. 

But as I dug deeper into these words, I realized there's more to it than hiding or waiting.  Without winter, there wouldn't be spring.  All the seasons would just meld together into one and we would miss the beauty of each new season and the good God can bring despite the weather and the circumstances that surround us.  Because it's not just the ground outside that needs to thaw; my frozen heart needs the relieving thaw of spring that is only found in the One who makes all things new. 

David Guzik cautions that "staying stuck in the past can keep us from the new thing God wants to do".  I write here a lot about some of the hard things I've endured and, while it's good to remember how far I've come and not forget the way God made beauty out of ashes, it can all become a stronghold if I don't allow God to keep moving me forward.  "Though former mercies must not be forgotten, fresh mercies must in a special manner be improved...And will you not own God's hand in it?" (Matthew Henry)

This week began the season of Lent, a season of fasting and self-denial observed by many Christians in the days preceding Easter Sunday each year.  I've been struggling to be focused and committed to time spent in His word, so I decided to remove one of my biggest distractions - my Facebook app on my phone and my Kindle.  It's amazing how freeing it is to not be "connected" all the time and to realize just how much free time I really do have. 

Still, today was a struggle.  I should have expected that after two days of long, quiet nap times where my heart was open and ready to receive His words and my mind was undivided, there was bound to be a day where everything seemed to fall apart.  I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but, in reality, I chose to have a bad attitude from the start.  I could name a million excuses for why my mood was gloomy, but that doesn't make it right.  By the time nap time came, I had already lost my temper with my boys more than once and my mind was reeling with to do lists and schedules.  I really didn't want to take the time to go to Him, because, frankly, I knew I was a mess and I wasn't ready to get over myself. 

I ended up spending nap time trying to calm a fussy teething baby and made the bad decision of taking all four kids to Walmart after school to pick out a present for their daddy's birthday and to spend their hard earned chore money.  I should have known better, but I kept marching forward, determined to finish what I started.  Needless to say, we were all a mess by the time we got home.

When my husband arrived home, I melted onto the kitchen floor in hot, angry tears. My words came out as accusations towards him, but, really, I was mad at myself.  Like Paul says in his letter to the Romans, I do not do the things I want to do but instead do the things I do not want to do. I am frustrated at how many times I find myself back here, knees bent, head down, tears pouring.  As today's She Reads Truth devotion says, "On our own we are diametrically opposed to the way of Christ and when given the chance to be selfish or selfless, we choose selfish every time."

This Lenten study is breaking me.  I keep coming face to face with my own depravity...and, yet, He continues to pursue me relentlessly.  I know that as long as I walk this earth, I will have to battle my flesh, but I'm so grateful to know it's not a hopeless battle.  So tonight, as I sit here in the quiet after a day full of chaos, I'm laying it all at His feet and asking Him to continue the work He began in me. 

Paul says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 that in Christ we are a new creation.  The word for creation used here means to bring into being something that has not existed before.  Only God the CREATOR can do this new thing.  That is the hope I hold onto on the hard days, knowing that His mercy is new every morning and that, on the day I reach the final page of His story for my life, He will make all things new.

 

When Motherhood Is Like Whack-A-Mole

 photo credit

These newborn days are hard. Just being a mom is hard enough, but multiplying it by four with two school age kids who have a love/hate relationship with each other...and apparently also with obedience, one almost "terrible two" year old toddler, and a nursing newborn is just plain exhausting most days. Some days I am ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. I know so many moms who say the same thing, but in the middle of the trenches and the heat of battle, I forget that I'm not alone in this. 

Last night was one of those moments. My husband left for a bike ride and I was finishing a haircut for my four year old. My toddler had begged for his first haircut too so both boys were covered in tiny hair trimmings. I decided they would both take a bath downstairs while my five year old insisted she take a bath upstairs. I thought for a moment that all was well as I sat down to nurse a hungry baby...until everything fell apart.

I don't even know exactly how it all went down, but by the time my hubby walked in the door, disaster had struck. In a matter of minutes the kids had made a flooded mess of both bathrooms, I had dinner half cooked and unattended on the stove, there were coloring supplies mixed with spilled milk all over the table...and I was sitting on the floor sobbing with a still hungry and restless baby crying in my arms while the three big kids ran wild in the house making as many messes and noise as possible.  

Later, when the battle had stilled both in our home and in me, I finally found words to speak my heart to my husband. He listened in the quiet of four sleeping kids. And as we talked, we both cleared the air of the cloud of chaos that came from so many changes. 

He told me how frustrated he was at work lately and described it like trying to play a game of Whack-A-Mole. Just when he gets one problem solved and settled, another one pops up and he's in a constant back and forth from one challenge to the next. 

"That's how I feel!" I declared as I practically leapt off the couch. It was exactly what I was battling but couldn't put into words. 

These days are spent holding onto that foam mallet waiting for that darn mole to pop up and just when I think I've succeeded in defeating him, he pops up from another hole. I can't ever seem to get ahead of the mountain of laundry and dishes and discipline and everyday chaos. I try and I try, but all I end up doing is punching out one "mole" only to discover a new one popping up. It's exhausting and overwhelming and all I want to do is quit because I just can't win. 

I've been studying the book of Hosea with the She Reads Truth ladies and the phrase He keeps whispering to me over and over is "return to Me".  When I started this study, I thought it would be good, but I didn't realize it would also be hard.  Hosea is the story of God's unrelenting pursuit of an unfaithful and undeserving people.  It's about Israel...but it's also about me.  

I am a hot mess - a tired, overwhelmed mom who loses it far more than I care to admit.  But none of that changes who He is.  I come broken to be mended, wounded to be healed desperate to be rescued, empty to be filled...and He welcomes me with open arms, just as I am.  Even when I fail, He is still there, relentlessly pursuing me.  God doesn't change, ever.  He sees my spiraling out of control mess...and He loves me still.  Where sin increases, His grace abounds all the more.  

So my prayer this morning, even as I sit here listening to sick kids coughing with a house that is far from clean and my body that is far from rested, is that He would come and create in me a clean heart, to give me rest from my heavy burdens, and that I would know His endless mercy and boundless grace.  From the pit of my own despair, He calls me gently and lovingly..."come to Me, just as you are, and I will give you rest..."