Silhouettes

 
I wrote this post as an assignment for my recent Writing Circles participation. It was read out loud during a Skype conference call and critiqued and edited by three fellow writers.  (Thank you ladies!)  Our prompt was Silhouettes and the genre was Life Out Loud. I really had no idea what to write until I started typing and the words just flowed from my heart. I've hesitated to post this, because it is so vulnerable. Still, I know that God has given me a voice and He continues to prompt me to share my heart on mental illness. My prayer is that these words would be used for His glory, not mine, and that my story would help someone somewhere know they are not alone. 

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Photo credit: garryknight

Falling to my knees, the pain of tears shakes me with fear.  I try to speak but the words…where are they?  My breaths come in short, shallow rasps.  

“I…can’t…breathe.” 

I can barely choke out the words as darkness encompasses and surrounds me, pulling me deeper and farther into its snare.

He grabs my hands, lifts my face, and forces me to look and listen and find a way out.  

“I can’t…I can’t…I can’t.” 

I gasp between sobs.  

I curl my legs into my body, wrapping myself more completely into the darkness.  My whole being rocks back and forth, holding onto the lies, the fears, the doubts, the hurt. 

 

I can’t even remember when it began, when the darkness first laid a hold of me, but it is here and it consumes everything in its path.  

I can’t breathe.  I can’t focus.  I can’t feel.  I can’t move.  I am numb and empty, broken and beaten.

“You have to…you can’t stay there forever.  I am here…come back to me.” 

He pleads with me, reaching into my darkness and hoping against hope to find me amidst the rubble and ruin.  

I am completely lost.  I’m just skin, a silhouette of who I was; darkness cast its shadow over me.  My body lies broken, a crumpled and sobbing mess.

But his words penetrate the wall and slowly it begins to crumble.  And I collapse into the arms of a love who promised in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.  He’s not about to give up.  

Slowly, painfully, I lift my head to look deep into his eyes.  

“I feel so lost and so alone…” 

I whisper as my breathing slows and the storm calms.  

I heard his words and I heard His words, but the wall was too high, too deep, too strong and I was trapped.  

“Come back to Me, dear one…” 

My soul whispers as my love holds my hands, bows his head, and lifts this darkness to the only One we know who can chase it away for good.  

It takes days, weeks, months to clear away the debris, refill the emptiness, and restore the brokenness.  But as one man’s love directs me forward, even more so the One love lifts me out of the chaos and places me back on solid ground.  

One step forward sometimes led to another step back, but His light penetrates the darkness, exposing what was once hidden there.  It no longer overwhelms, because I am no longer its prisoner. 

The darkness still lingers nearby, tempting and teasing me with its snare.  I fall momentarily for its lies, but His truth sets me free and leads me forward, a silhouette being filled in with details He delights to create.

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Come back here tomorrow for a Bigger Picture Moment about how God continues to give me victory over this stronghold.  

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