Photo credit: Logan Williams
"You've got to look on the bright side."In the midst of my dark places, well meaning friends and family tried to offer me all kinds of advice. I tried, believe me, but with every attempt to "fix" my broken pieces, I fell short. And each time I fell short, I felt more and more defeated.
"Stop being so down on yourself. Count your blessings instead."
"If you just prayed more...read your bible more...memorized more bible verses...{etc, etc, etc}..."
"Why can't you just...{insert every possible easy, fix-all solution...believe me, I've heard them all}..."
Why couldn't I just "fix" myself?
Why couldn't I just "get over it"?
"You are not crazy, dear one...you have depression...and it is not your fault."
The first time I heard those words, a flood gate of tears was opened. I had thought for so long that this was my fault, that I had not prayed enough, tried enough, done enough...and that, somehow, I made myself fall.
Depression is not a choice. It is not something I did wrong. It is not a character flaw or selfishness. It is not simply a plea for attention.
Depression is more than sadness and more than just "feeling down". It is an overwhelming, debilitating darkness that shadows every single moment of the day. It is a not wanting to get out of bed, feeling like crawling into a corner and shutting out the world feeling.
It is so hard to describe depression unless you have been there. And, even when you have been there and try to explain it, there are so many misunderstandings and misconceptions.
The reason I keep talking about this and opening up my broken places is because I have seen the effects of suicide on a family, felt the sting of those who do not get it, and heard women come to me in desperation, wanting to know they are not alone...and that they are not crazy. I want to break down the walls and help the world understand that depression is not a choice...it is a real, medical illness.
Because there is hope.
And that is why I won't stop sharing my story and why I won't stop fighting for understanding and acceptance of this awful disease.
"Depression is not a sign of weakness, laziness, or self-pity. Rather, it is a medical condition, arising from errors in brain chemistry, function, and structure due to environmental or biological factors." (Help for Depression)
Linking up with Hyacynth for this week's Bigger Picture Moments.
Edited: The title for this blog post came from words shared with me by a sweet new friend, Crystal. I want to give her credit for putting in words something I've been trying to put into words myself.
great post! I agree, it's so hard to describe and often misunderstood. I was told things like, "it's a sin not to be happy' and "christians don't have the luxery of being depressed" .... sigh. people just really don't understand. I think it is wonderful that you are sharing your story to help others <3
ReplyDeletefound you through our new (in)courage group :)
paula
I, too, found you through the new group. (Crystal Brothers). It is frustrating when people say those things, and it does make it worse. It's up to us to educate people and raise awareness to the fact that depression is a real, debilitating illness. Just like we've been talking about in our group :)
ReplyDeleteMe too my friend. Me too. Thanks for a light in the darkness. No one else can understand unless they walk in your shoes, and I've been there in my shoes. Full of darkness, fear and rage. Crippled by a heart that feels like it's going to BURST from the pain. I'm not alone, and thank you I needed that hand to help me find my way today. :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I have been there as well with both depression and anxiety and even in the good times you just wonder when the clouds will return. I, too, remember all the well-meaning people telling me to focus on my blessings and how there's no reason to be down when I have such a great life. They don't realize that only makes it worse (and then piles guilt and shame on top of the already overwhelming sadness). My biggest source of comfort always came from the others in my life who had been in my shoes and could truly understand. We are many, although few are so open about it. Your honesty is a blessing. Shout it.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. I know that your words were a light for someone this week, as they *often* are, Steph! Your transparency helps to demystify it, and I think, I for one, am grateful.
ReplyDeleteThose are such powerful words "it is not your fault"
ReplyDeleteSuch a strong post, lady.
I am thankful you are writing and sharing your story. You bring hope through your words.
ReplyDeleteHugs friend, you know I know this, so well.
ReplyDelete