It was a perfect summer day...wind blowing through the trees, sun shining bright, summer foods prepared and ready to enjoy, family gathered round...and a big swimming pool looming in the background.
As a kid, I spent my summer days in my swimsuit, splishing and splashing around with my brothers and sisters in our own backyard paradise. We'd dry off just long enough for lunch and then jump right back in as soon as our food had settled in our bellies. My dad would join us when he came home from work and we would laugh as we taught him what we learned in swimming lessons and he would put on his swimming goggles and ear plugs and try to copy what we demonstrated.
Sometimes my mom would join us too, especially when my dad was swimming with us, because she somehow didn't trust his lifeguarding skills enough. He was much more a kid than an adult when he dove in that pool. Other times, she would watch and smile and photograph our silly summer fun. She never appeared uncomfortable or afraid to put on her swimsuit and join us.
When my body started to grow and change, shedding my carefree childhood days for the confusing and uncomfortable transition as a preteen, putting on a swimsuit became a daily battle. I'd squeeze into that itty bitty swimsuit and try not to cry as I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
Swimsuit shopping was even worse, because finding a swimsuit that fit my ever changing body and was also cute and comfortable became nearly impossible. I'd fight back tears as I tried on swimsuit after swimsuit, wishing with everything in me that I could fit into the cute two pieces, but resigning myself to the not as fashionable and often boring one piece swimsuits...because at least they covered my not so flat belly and the stretch marks that had already begun to appear.
Still, I pressed on and I put on that swimsuit anyways, walking outside with a towel covering me until I could quickly throw it off and jump in the pool before anyone noticed how uncomfortable I really was. Because the moment my feet hit the water and I joined my family for another day of swimming fun I forgot about the too tight swimsuit and my tears of frustration at the way my body was changing and growing. The water became freeing as I dove under and swam around, laughing and joining in on the water games my family made up as we splished and splashed along.
So, years later, when my firstborn begged me to take her into the big swimming pool on that perfect summer day, I knew I had a choice to make. I could continue to allow the negative self talk to ruin my summer and miss out on a chance to create a lasting memory...or I could take a deep breath, squeeze into that swimsuit, and jump into the water with a smile as I reached out my arms for my daughter to jump in with me.
Someone told me later that day that I was so brave for joining my kids in the pool while the rest of the moms sat and watched. I didn't think I was very brave, because there was still a battle raging in my mind. But the more I allowed the water to free me from those thoughts that weighed me down and the longer I stared at my daughter's smile and my son's carefree laughter, the more I realized that those thoughts don't have to own me.
This body I'm living in may not be perfect, but perfection doesn't equal beauty. Beauty is found in the way my body has grown and changed to carry life, the way a smile on my face can chase away any dark clouds, the way my children's faces light up when I embrace the moments with them that are far too quickly slipping away, the way my words can build up and encourage others, the way I can choose to live as a beloved child of a gracious God instead of a prisoner to this imperfect flesh.
Long after we had dried off and changed back into our clothes, my kids couldn't stop beaming about how they got to swim in the big pool with mommy. If I had allowed the negative thoughts to own me, I would have missed that opportunity to see my daughter swim across the pool with only a noodle to keep her afloat saying "I'm swimming, mommy! I'm swimming!"...or to see my son giggle as I held him tight and he kicked his feet to swim from one side to the other.
my mother in law snapped this photo and I'm so glad she did...
a moment frozen in time that I'll not soon forget
And someday, when each of my children begin to shed their carefree childhood days and their bodies start to grow and change in ways that confuse and frustrate, I want them to remember how their mommy jumped in that water, stretch marks, imperfections, and all. I want them to know that beauty isn't about skin and bones, but about life and love and embracing the gifts that each day brings.
*Thank you to Jessica of The Mom Creative for inspiring me to make the choice to put on my swimsuit and embrace the joy of the moment. I'm so glad I didn't allow those negative thoughts to own me. These photos, those smiles, and the memories frozen in time were so worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment