The Sacred Dance of Grief & Joy

The moment we knew a new little life was being knit together in my womb, the fear set in.  I was afraid to embrace and fall in love, because what if?  But the very next moment, even as I voiced the fear out loud, I knew I had to make a choice to walk in freedom instead of bondage. 

It's not an easy road to walk and it's not always a straight path.  I find myself holding back, waiting for the moment I can breathe again knowing everything will be okay.  But there really are no guarantees.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring and, really, all I have is today.

I couldn't stop myself from falling in love with this little one even if I tried.  But I also can't stop myself from grieving the one gone too soon.  It's such a sacred dance. 

One moment I'm back in that moment, my heart breaking all over again as I remember how I delivered our tiny baby Hope alone at home.  I can feel the emptiness where she should be, even as my womb grows with new life.  I could have a dozen more children, but not a single one will ever fill the empty place she left behind. 

Even as I grieve, I feel a tiny flutter in my womb, a reminder that new life is growing and that every storm really does run out of rain.  My daughter giggles as she pats my belly and I smile as we thank God for the baby whose presence is a most precious gift.  I begin to dream about the day this little one is laid in my arms and I whisper my love that grows with each new day.

Still, as I embrace one life, I can't forget the one who will never fill our home with laughter and life.  I wonder how to honor our baby Hope at the same time I embrace this new life in my womb.  My arms ache to hold a newborn baby and some days seem to move much too slowly.  But then there are days when I wish time would slow down, because I don't know how to dance this dance with grace and beauty. 

Some days I'm simply a mess, tears of joy mixed with tears of sorrow.  I'm exhausted with the weight of it all and I don't know how to take one more step...until I remember again what it means to walk in freedom. 

So I fall to my knees again, whispering to the only One who can carry me through how I need Him every hour of every day.  As I pray, He covers me with the peace I need and I wonder why I forget to run to Him before I'm a mess of tears.  The only way to embrace the beauty and gift of today when the future is so uncertain is to keep my eyes fixed on Him...and I'm so grateful He waits so patiently for me to remember.

"In peace, I will both lie down and sleep; 

for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." 

(Psalm 4:8)