I sat curled up on a couch, her eyes tenderly aching as she listened to my broken words.
I told her of the pain and the hurt and the grief. My heart spilled out everything I've said here already...and everything I was too afraid to say out loud.
In a whisper, I choked out the one thing I didn't want to admit as another lonely tear escaped my broken heart.
"I was so, so grateful for this gift of one more...and then He took it away. And I'm angry...
Why did He allow this?"
Instead of reminding me of the sin that first broke our once perfect world, she nodded and acknowledged this part of the grief that was so real and deep.
I write here about being thankful even when it hurts and choosing to still praise Him in the storms...but sometimes the writing is mostly to make my heart believe what I already know in my mind to be true.
Because my heart recoils at the mystery of it all. I want to cling to His truth, but when hard things happen every part of my flesh cries out a resounding "no!".
When God created this world out of nothing, He looked at it all and said it was good. But then, there was the snake and the choice Adam & Eve made to walk away from all that was good. Sometimes, I think of that moment and wonder why He, all knowing and ever present, didn't intervene.
The truth is that sometimes I just plain don't understand. I wrestle with my flesh all the while holding onto hope that He will again make all things new and good and well.
The only thing I know for sure is that there is a God who is creator and comforter and healer. He grieves and mourns our loss, because death wasn't part of His original design. He holds me as the tears flood and the pain overwhelms.
So, I will keep pressing into Him, even when every part of me wants to run and hide. Because without His light, all is dark and the emptiness will consume me.
I also know that, because of His redeeming love poured out in the blood of His son, I can ask these questions boldly before His throne. He doesn't push me away or tell me to get over myself. He simply listens, nodding His head and holding out His arms, because He knows how the pain feels and how the flesh rebels against His Words.
The only thing I can do is rest my doubts and fears and hurts in Him and think on these things, hoping that one day soon He will make my broken places whole again.
Oh Stephanie, my heart hurts for you. I cannot imagine this grief. But I do know the One who is well acquainted with your grief. Praying you sense His nearness today and feel His love. Hugs!
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