God Is Still Good

I awoke from a restless sleep, body weary from frequent night time wakings and soul even more weary from the hard stuff that just kept coming.

I grumbled and moaned, dragging my feet and wishing more and more as the minutes passed to curl up in a corner and shut it all out.

And then the bleeding started, heaping burning coals on my already aching heart.  Every trip to the bathroom confirmed my worst fears: the Lord who gives sometimes also takes away.

I knew this truth and that, really, every good and perfect gift belongs to Him in the first place...but I had always feared the taking. 

As tears fell, I felt my heart being emptied right along with my womb.

To say we wanted and loved this baby should be obvious, but the way my heart is breaking still catches me off guard.

I had dreamed of watching our four children run and laugh and live, imagining out youngest as the piece that made our family whole.

But now?  The dream is broken and my womb is empty.  And it just hurts.

Two days later I sat in a sterile urgent care room listening to the doctor confirm our fears once more.  As he spoke, the tears in his eyes told more compassion than words alone.

Then, in the silence after he walked out and I waited to be discharged, I said goodbye.

Goodbye to hopes and dreams and a future that will never be.

Goodbye to the tiniest little life that had already captured a huge piece of this mother's heart.

And then I felt something so unexpected.

Peace.

While sorrow like sea billows rolled, His peace like a river attended my soul.

An unchanging, unfathomable, pure and simple peace.

Even as my heart breaks, I know this one thing remains: He is still God and He is still good.

His promises are still sure and He is still here, walking out on the water in the middle of the storm arms stretched out and a stillness surrounding His light that still shines in the darkness.

I don't understand why and everything in me wants this baby back.

But none of it changes who He is.

And so, even while it hurts and even when it's hard, I will praise Him for all that He is today, tomorrow, and always.

 

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! 

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!"

(Psalm 34:8)