Broken & Mended

Photo credit: jude hill

For as long as I can remember, being a mom was part of my dream for the future.  I eagerly anticipated the birth of my first child, squealing over every cute little pink and frilly outfit I carefully hung in her closet, counting down the days until she would be here in my arms.

I imagined her birth day as a joyous day, picturing that moment when all the months of throwing up and the hours of painful labor would be so worth it.  I would hold her in my arms, gaze deep into her eyes, watch her latch on to nurse for the first time, and sigh with contentment that this is the one who made me a mom.  

Her birth day was nothing like I had imagined.  I spiked a 105 fever and pushed for 1 ½ hours after almost 24 exhausting and defeating hours of labor that had to be induced when she was stubbornly content two weeks after my due date.  The moment she was born, I barely caught a glimpse of her before she was whisked away to the nursery.  I didn’t even hear her cry.  

We were first told she had pneumonia caused by all the meconium she had swallowed and settled in for a week long hospital stay so she could receive IV antibiotics. The first time I held her in the nursery, the nurses told me it was too stressful for her to try to nurse and then ushered me back to my room when her crying for mommy’s milk caused her oxygen levels to drop again.  

Somehow I held back the tears...until she began to have seizures and was helicoptered to a nearby NICU.  The next two weeks were the most emotionally and spiritually exhausting days for our new little family, but we finally brought home a healthy baby girl.  

I quickly shoved the memories of those two weeks as far back in my mind as possible so I could focus on the day to day of mothering this sweet little blessing.  But, when our son was born 14 months later and was rushed to the same NICU, it all came rushing back and I relieved that nightmare for the next week.  

The next year of motherhood was a blur.  I tried to ignore the emotional toll my traumatic birth experiences left me with, but they overshadowed my days.  My grandfather’s death and several other stressful situations only made the darkness worse.  

I knew something was wrong, but it wasn’t until I began having severe panic attacks that I knew I couldn’t pretend anymore.  I needed help...but I felt so ashamed and alone admitting that, even though I was blessed with two beautiful children, I could barely get out of bed in the morning.  

But then, something amazing happened.  I got the help I needed from my doctor and counseling.  God began to heal me and then prompted me to begin sharing my story.  He knew that my story was part of His story and that so many women have been where I was and needed to know they were not alone.  

I wrote this blog post and shared it on my facebook page...and was then flooded with emails, comments, and messages from women saying, “thank you, because I have been there and I thought I was alone too”.  And almost two years later, He is still using my story to minister to moms who need the same message of hope and healing He brought me.  

Today, I feel privileged to announce that I will be co-leading an (in)courager group called Broken & Mended: Hope in the Midst of Postpartum Depression ministering to women with postpartum depression and/or anxiety.  I have been so blessed to be part of this ministry already, but God has asked me to take a step in this new direction for Session 2.  

This will be a private facebook group, a safe place where moms can come to share their story, know they are not alone, and be (in)couraged to seek the peace and healing that can only come through Christ.  If you need this kind of (in)couragement and would like to be a part of this group, please email me at girlofgraceblog@gmail.com for more information.  

I will also be featuring a series of guest posts from some brave moms who are taking a step of faith to share their own PPD story.  Starting February 20 and continuing every Wednesday until the end of Session 2, there will be a guest post here.  My prayer is that these posts would be an (in)couragement to other moms who are struggling with PPD that there is hope and healing in the midst of PPD.    

Of course, if PPD is not part of your story, be sure to check out the (in)courager community groups page to find a group for you.  There are so many wonderful groups including several new ones for session 2.  Each group is ready to meet you right where you are to offer encouragement for your journeys.  Also, be sure to check out the (in)courage post about Session 2 and sign up for the monthly community newsletter.