Photo credit: mtsofan
This year, Christmas feels very strange. Just yesterday we said our final goodbye to a grandma who loved well and lived life abundantly. My heart will always have a piece that belongs to her.
After the funeral, we drove to MI to be with my husband's family. My heart was breaking the whole way. Being with my family for the past week and a half has been a safe zone for me. They know me so well and understand my pain right now. We've all cried together and held each other up during some of the hardest days.
But when we arrived in MI, I felt so out of place. I had no energy or strength to even say hello. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and sleep until the pain went away.
This morning, we went to a family gathering where only a few people knew of my loss. Everyone was happy and excited about Christmas, singing carols and talking about the good times of the past year. The first person who asked me, "are you okay?" made me fall apart. I had to leave the room, hiding in a bathroom where the tears could freely fall.
I couldn't eat anything. I couldn't look at anyone and the conversation around me just sounded like a blur. I wanted to run away and hide until it was over, because it just didn't feel right to be there celebrating Christmas when I don't really feel like Christmas right now.
I've been longing for a simple Christmas this year, trying to focus on the Christ in Christmas instead of the presents, food, decorations, etc. Right now, those things that mean Christmas to so many mean nothing to me. I long for the One who came quietly in a stable. Because when your heart is breaking at Christmas, the only thing left in Christmas is Christ, the Messiah, Emmanuel, God with Us.
"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us,
and we have seen his glory,
glory as of the only Son from the Father,
full of grace and truth." (John 1:14)
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