Rummaging

Today, I went rummaging.  I love rummage sale season, especially now that I have two sweet babies.  I found two great steals today - a handmade quilt for $4 and a set of wooden colored blocks for $4.

(These pictures were taken with my new Canon Rebel XTi camera.  Let me just say that I have been anxiously awaiting the mail every day and could hardly contain my excitement when it finally arrived today.  I have a LOT to learn, but I'm already excited about how much better quality the pictures are, even on automatic focus.) 

Speaking of handmade quilts, check out my sewing blog for pictures of my first quilting project.  If you look closely, the squares aren't all straight and it's probably not a perfect square either, but I'm pretty excited about how it turned out.  I've learned a few things too and can't wait to continue learning more about quilting.

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I have also been continuously rummaging through this journey called grieving.  It's not a fun journey and it isn't one that really ends (at least, not here on earth).  I don't cry as often as I did while he was sick or after he died, but I still cry sometimes.  I find myself holding on tighter, enjoying every moment, and fearing every single phone call from any family member.  I know I have nothing to fear, but I feel a panic set it when my phone rings.  I keep wondering who will be next. 

I have started journaling again and it has been so helpful.  It really helps to put it into words for myself, without editing, just straight from my heart.  I like to read through what I've written over and over again, because, sometimes there is a truth hidden in my words I need to be reminded of over and over again and sometimes my words remind me of Who has brought me this far. 

I've been keeping a devotional notebook too where I take notes whenever I do devotions.  I have been looking at cross-references and names of God.  I have a Strong's concordance I bought a few years ago and it's amazing to see all the different names used for God in the bible and their meanings.  Often the specific word used for God helps me to see the passage in a whole new way.  Cross references are the same way, but they also help me to see how the whole bible is really one big love story - of the Creator for His people.  I try to do my devotions in the morning, since my little man likes to wake up at 5:30 am every single day.  It's a good way to start my day and put my focus where it needs to be for those moments when the grieving is too much or just being a mom is too much. 

The week after my Grandpa died, I relieved a book in the mail I had ordered before he died...and it was a total God-thing.  I have been following Angie Smith's blog for a long time.  (It's one of the first blogs I ever read.)  She wrote a book about her own walk with grief called I Will Carry You.  She is an amazing writer and, more importantly, a believer who trusted Him even when she didn't want to...even when trusting Him meant losing her own daughter. 

When the doctor told her the terrible news about her unborn baby and asked what she was thinking, Angie replied, "I think my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked through that door" (page 16).  (Oh how much I love those words and how much I want my response to be the same no matter what comes my way.)  She knew no matter what road she had to walk, the one with her daughter or the one without her, He would be there to lead her through the valleys and storms.  What's even more amazing is her honesty.  As she said those words she "knew it was true..." but "needed to hear the words" (page 16). 

I feel the same way sometimes.  I know His plans are greater than mine.  I know He will get the glory out of my grief.  I know He is leading me through the valleys to paths of righteousness.  But I don't always believe it in my heart.  I don't want my Grandpa to be gone.  I would much, much rather have him here. 

And, like Angie, if you were to ask me how I'm doing, I'd have to respond, "I guess it depends on the day" (page 151), because some days are harder than others.  In fact, I can get through some days without crying and I'm re-learning how to find joy in the moments.  But, then there are moments that sweep me right off my feet and knock the wind out of me. 

Last night, I finished reading another book, Beth Wiseman's Plain Perfect.  I came to a scene in the story that completely caught me by surprise and reminded me of my grandfather so much that I almost fell off the couch and cried silently as I finished reading.  (I won't share the scene because it would give away the story.)  Beth Wiseman is another great writer whose words spoke to my heart in a very good way, even if the memories it brought with it were painful.  Because no matter how painful life is...it's just a reminder of how great He is and how much I need Him.

I feel like I should apologize for the sadness that seems to dominate my blog posts lately, but I can't write without being real about where I am right now.  So, thank you for continuing to read even though my words aren't always pretty and my thoughts are still a little jumbled.  Sometimes I feel like I should be past the tears, past the pain...but grieving is a long and unexpected journey.  I don't even think thank you is enough to say how much your words of encouragement and prayers mean to me.  I shared with my friend Hyacynth one thing my Grandma told me after Grandpa died.  She said, ""It's hard to lose someone you love, but the alternative is to not have ever loved them."  It's a truth I need to be reminded of each day and, even as I shared it with Hyacynth, it was speaking to me too.  Isn't it amazing how our words can sometimes heal our own hearts when we intended them for others?  That's because of Him and only because of Him.  He is good, my friends, even when life isn't good...especially when life isn't good.