I'm Not Perfect

Another blogging momma, who I had the privilege of meeting at Cupcake, wrote a post the other day that really convicted me.  She wrote about a time when she felt like a failure as a mom and it made me realize that we all have moments like that, but when we look at other moms we think they're so perfect.  We think we're the only ones who make mistakes, yell at their kids out of anger, or feel the need to get in the car, drive around, and cry.  On the other hand, it's so easy to put on a happy face and make everyone think everything is fine, when we just want to cry or scream.  My hubby told me the other day, after reading one of my blog posts, that I don't write like I talk in real life.  He said I ALWAYS sounded so happy...when, in reality, there are times I am not so happy.  But, I always write about the happy things, making it seem like I'm always the perfect wife and mom...when, in reality, I am not perfect...not one bit. 

If I were to write about how my weekend really went...it would have to include a few moments that I would really like to forget.  The first would be Saturday night, when we got home from a long day visiting my family.  Usually, both kids are really good about going to bed right away.  But, for some reason, Almanzo decided it was not at all bedtime.  I fed him and, instead of falling asleep in my arms, he started giggling and cooing at me, for two hours.  A perfect mother would be enjoying every moment of those sweet giggles and coos...but I was exhausted.  Sure I smiled at him and was thankful he wasn't screaming/crying, but I also started grumbling to my hubby about how tired I was and groaning that I just wanted to sleep and complaining about how my sweet baby boy was driving me crazy.

Then, Sunday morning came around.  Why is it that everything seems to go wrong on a Sunday morning?  I usually try to get the diaper bag and clothes laid out the night before, so it's one less thing to worry about Sunday morning.  But, of course, I forgot.  I woke up around 7 am when Almanzo woke up hungry.  I fed him and laid him in bed next to Ted, so I could take a shower and get myself ready.  As I showered, I started to think of all the things I had to do in order to make it to church by 8:45 for Sunday School.  I started to panic a little, but tried to focus on getting myself ready first.  By 8 am, I was ready, so I walked into our bedroom and asked Ted if he was going to get up.  He groaned and rolled back over in bed saying something about how he was too tired.  I sighed and resigned myself to making it to church by 9:45 to practice singing my duet with Amy before 10 am church service. 

By 8:30, Almanzo was awake again, so I got him changed and dressed. Ted was still sleeping.  I purposely tried to wake him up by turning the closet light on and talking to Almanzo while I changed him.  He didn't move.  I started to get annoyed and told him I needed him to wake up now so we could be at church by 9:45 am.  I realized he wasn't going to be much help, so I set Almanzo in the baby swing and went to wake Valerie up.  Then, I reminded Ted again that I needed him to wake up, because by now Almanzo was hungry again.  He finally rolls out of bed around 9 and decides to take a shower.  I am happy he is going to be clean...but I wish he had woken up earlier, because we are running out of time.  I start to get crabby and give Valerie a banana to munch on while watching her Praise Baby DVD so I can feed Almanzo.  Ted finally gets out of the shower and it's almost 9:30 by the time he sits down to eat breakfast with Valerie.  I grab myself a bowl of cereal and a piece of toast and frantically try to pack the diaper bag while eating my breakfast and listening to Almanzo fuss because he's tired and ready for a nap.  I start to yell at Ted about how we are always late for church and it's all his fault for not waking up to help me get the kids ready...only to feel like a failure as a wife and mom moments later.

I, of course, put on a happy face at church and act like everything is perfect.  I have nursery duty, so I don't even get to listen to the church service (if it was even possible to sit through a whole sermon with a 3 month old).  We have a meeting at the end of church service about the new nursery schedule.  I become flustered when I realize I'm going to be on the schedule for the whole month of March and August, because I can't even remember the last time I listened to a whole sermon and August is the busiest month for bike races.  Ted asks what the meeting was about and I say "we'll talk about it on the way home" because I am stressing out about it way too much.  He listens to me grumble about it and tells me to calm down and not let my emotions get the better of me...which, of course, makes me even more stressed out.

When we get back home, I am exhausted.  Ted asks what's for lunch and I grumble about how I have to do everything myself.  We finally get lunch and Ted puts Valerie to bed.  I feed Almanzo and decide to lay him in the bed next to me, because he is not wanting to fall asleep.  He finally falls asleep and I am half-way asleep when Valerie wakes up crying from her nap.  Ted picks her up, but her crying wakes up Almanzo.  I pick up Almanzo and take him into the living room.  Valerie is still tired, but just wants to cuddle with me...and Almanzo is crying because he's hungry again.  I am really annoyed that Ted is lying on the couch watching football while I take care of both kids.  I finally get Valerie calmed down enough to put her back in bed.  I feed Almanzo and hand him to Ted because I am about ready to cry.

I suddenly realize my video camera is not in my purse, because Ted was using it to record my duet with Amy.  He doesn't remember where it is and I yell at him about losing it.  I tell him I'm leaving...and he's a little shocked until I explain that I'm going to church to find the video camera.  He tells me not to go, because Almanzo is still awake and needs his mom...but I get in the car and drive away.  The video camera is not at church...but the quiet sanctuary makes me think I should just sit down and pray.  I ignore the pleading in my soul to lay all my burdens at His feet and get back in my car to drive home.  By the time I pull back into my driveway, I am sobbing and feeling like an absolute failure.  I start to pray, but don't really know how He can listen to me and still love me.  When I walk into the house, Almanzo is crying, so I take him from Ted and feed him.  As I feed him, I begin to calm down, but don't know how to apologize to Ted.  I get Almanzo back to sleep and lay him in his cradle.  I cuddle up next to Ted and sigh.  I whisper 'I'm sorry' and he gives me a big hug.  I can't understand how he can forgive me...or how He can forgive me...but they do, over and over again.

No, I'm not perfect...but I am redeemed.  Praise the Lord for washing away my sins once and for all...and loving me when I'm completely unlovable.  This week I am finding renewal in His word and resting on His promises.  He has forgiven me and I must live like He has.  Yes, I will fail again...because I am human and the sin nature is still in me.  But, He has given me the power to overcome and in Him I can be victorious over the sins that want to tear me apart.

Redeemed, how I love to proclaim it!
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed through His infinite mercy,
His child and forever I am.

Redeemed, redeemed,
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed, redeemed,
His child and forever I am.

Redeemed, and so happy in Jesus,
No language my rapture can tell;
I know that the light of His presence
With me doth continually dwell.

 

Redeemed, redeemed,
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed, redeemed,
His child and forever I am.

I think of my blessèd Redeemer,
I think of Him all the day long:
I sing, for I cannot be silent;
His love is the theme of my song.

Redeemed, redeemed,
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed, redeemed,
His child and forever I am.

I know there’s a crown that is waiting,
In yonder bright mansion for me,
And soon, with the spirits made perfect,
At home with the Lord I shall be.

Redeemed, redeemed,
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed, redeemed,
His child and forever I am.

"Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!  Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble, and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south." ~Psalm 107:1-3

"I have swept away your sins like the morning mists. I have scattered your offenses like the clouds. Oh, return to Me, for I have paid the price to set you free." ~Isaiah 44:22