Life, In Spite of Me

I read this book for Waterbrook Multnomah's Blogging for Books program a while ago, but couldn't seem to find the words to share my review until now.  The story is a painful one, but it is also a beautiful story of redemption, how God can create something beautiful out of our mess.  Kristen Anderson was a 17 year old whose life was filled with the pain of depression.  One night, it all came crashing down on her when she chose to lay down on railroad tracks in the path of a moving train.  Amazingly, after the train rushed over her body, she realized she was still alive...but her legs were several feet away from the rest of her body.

What if someone was looking for me?  The engineer must have seen me, because he had stopped the train.  I didn't want anyone to find me.  I didn't want help.  I just wanted to die...Surely death would come soon.  God please let me die; just let me go to heaven. (pg. 7-8)

When she woke in the hospital room, she had to come to grips with the reality that she was still alive...and that she no longer had legs to walk.  She also didn't remember what had happened or why she had been on the railroad tracks.

As I read Kristen's story, I couldn't help thinking of my own family.  When I was 9 years old, my uncle committed suicide.  I was young, but I still remember the pain.  I remember how sad and hurt my mom was.  I remember the questions and the wondering why it happened or how we could have prevented it.  I remember the brokenness in the eyes of my cousins when they talked about their dad.  It was something no family should ever have to endure once...let alone twice.  Just a few weeks before my wedding day, as my family was celebrating my engagement and another cousin's engagement, we got the phone call that broke those old wounds wide open again...my cousin (the son of the same uncle) had committed suicide.  I can still hear my grandma's wailing when the news reached her that day. Dennis Rainey wrote a review in the front of this book and I think he said it best.

Suicide is a liar and a thief.  It promises peace to those who are escaping but delivers unimaginable pain and rejection to those left behind.  Kristen Jane Anderson's riveting story unmasks the thief and gives hope a face.

Kristen thought suicide was the answer, that it would end her pain and bring her peace.  But, when God spared her life, she begins to wonder if she really would have gone to heaven that night: "...I've always believed in God, and I know Jesus is the Son of God...I've gone to church my whole life...isn't it good enough to just know who Jesus is?" (page 117).  God had spared her life, because He had a bigger purpose for her...and He wanted her to know Him, to really know Jesus, not just know who He is.  "But, Kristen...you have to personally choose to put your trust in Jesus and accept His forgiveness.  Only then can you know for sure that you will go to heaven when you die."

This is where hope comes in.  When Kristen makes the decision to accept Christ as her Savior, to put her trust in Him, He gives her a new hope.  She still struggles with her depression though, but, in the midst of her struggles, God continues to breathe new life into her.

I imagined giving it to Him - the sadness, the shame, and the guilt.  I also thought of myself - the depressed person that I had been - and I forgave myself for my choices.  My body would never be whole again, but my soul was, and I could see myself as God saw me.

Clean, forgiven, new. (page 172)

Today, God is using Kristen's story through public speaking and this book to reach so many people and to expose the truth about depression and suicide.  I love that she is not afraid to share the deepest, darkest trials in her life and, even more, I love that God can take our brokenness, the mess we are, and create something beautiful.  It reminds me of the words to the song Better Than A Hallelujah by Amy Grant - "We pour out our miseries/God just hears a melody/Beautiful, the mess we are/The honest cries of breaking hearts/Are better than a hallelujah."